A Dream Deferred...Not Anymore!

I will be playing the role of "Rena" in August Wilson's, Jitney at The Ensemble Theatre from March 26-April 24, 2011.

So, it was my goal to spend one year in "adjustment" mode, settling in as a new mommy. I usually somewhat overextend myself, much to my liking, keeping myself extremely busy, mentally & intellectually stimulated, and overly stressed. My roster usually includes my teaching, an artistic endeavor and some entrepreneurial undertaking. For example, last year this time I was teaching four classes (University of Houston Downtown and Houston Community College Stafford); co-producing the annual fundraiser for Texas Southern University, the TSU Honors (honoring 58-year veteran head coach of the debate team, Dr. Thomas Freeman and award-winning gospel vocalist and radio personality, Yolanda Adams); co-starring in a short film, I Pledge Allegiance (written and directed by Lionell Hilliard); and rehearsing for the role of "Ruby" in August Wilson's, Seven Guitars at The Ensemble Theatre. During all of that, I found out I was pregnant, quite unexpectedly and much to my dismay. Even now, I have absolutely no idea how I made it through that time. If there was ever a time in my life that I would not want to revisit, that is it. Miraculously God got me through it. Nonetheless, that was a workload which represented what my life was all about; a true reflection of how I moved about at any given moment.

Suffice it to say, there is no way I could function at even a fraction of that capacity now, having Jace as my sidekick. I have been typing on this post for about an hour and fifteen minutes. Jace has awakened every 10-12 minutes, sometimes for feeding and others just to be rocked back to sleep. Seemingly he is having a difficult night, yet this is a typical night in the life of Jace's mom. With this being my reality, it would be practically impossible to take on any responsibilities that require consistent and concentrated focus for periods of time, with people depending on me. So for right now, the only things on my agenda for the remainder of the year are my classes (two for now at the University of Houston Downtown) and co-producing the TSU Honors 2011. Although the "Honors" is not until April 2011, we have already begun planning and putting feet to the event, which is so dynamic it will take all of the eight months ahead to plan.

I knew I wanted the role in Jitney although I knew it would be a stretch, not knowing how I will manage with Jace, as I go through the four weeks of six-day-a-week rehearsals, followed by four weeks of performing six-shows-a-week. But that did not change the fact that I wanted that role. So, I auditioned. And, I got it. I will just have to work out the new-mommy-management on the back end. For now, I am excited that a very important piece of my life has made its way back into my reality. Acting is my passion and theatre fuels my spirit. To know that this role is waiting for me gives me something tremendously wonderful to look forward to. I am anxious to see how all that I have been through over the last year impacts my acting sensibilities. Naturally, having a child now, I feel more serious. I feel more committed. I feel more present. Those are things I know will serve me as an actress. So we will see what lies ahead for "Rena."

It is said that art imitates life. Interestingly, the last two roles I played were ones where I was pregnant (I Pledge Allegiance and Seven Guitars) and I happened to be pregnant in real life (that means that Jace has already made appearances on both stage and film ;-). In the role in Jitney I play a mother of a two-year-old trying to stabilize her young family as she navigates motherhood along with her future goals. How ironic. Well, not really...just art imitating life again.

Thank you, God, for not forgetting how important this part of my life is to me. This is truly a gift.

Today's "Mommy-Noteable Moment" - It's like all of a sudden Jace has become overly curious, about everything. It is intriguing to watch how intent he is when observing things for the very first time. These are things I have seen consistently for many years, so they are commonplace to say the least. As I look intently at him, as he is looking intently at whatever is capturing his attention at the moment, I find myself trying to see "it" for the very first time along with him. There is something intoxicating about drawing myself to the present to really "see" what is around me. I would not be doing that if it were not for him. So, for that I am thankful.

The Crossroad

Don't you just love those crossroads we come to in life that we don't even recognize as a crossroad? I don't know if you've ever arrived at one of those, but I have a time or two. It's the place where you're excited about something, busy lining things up or probing options...things can look good, or great even, and then comes a moment (in all the "greatness") where you realize a decision has to be made. What was once good and exciting has now become slightly heavy, burdensome.

Shortly following my pregnancy diagnosis of vasa previa last October, I was put on bed rest. Very soon after that I was hospitalized, where I stayed for two months until my son was born (prematurely). Since that time, five months ago, I have been at home with him full time. That means that the last eight months of my life have belonged to some thing and some one other than myself. First I was engrossed in the details of what it meant to have vasa previa, wondering if my son and I would survive. Then once that was behind us, I was engrossed with visits to the NICU, wondering how my son would progress and when he would come home. Once that was behind me, I was engrossed in learning to be a new mommy to a preemie. Following that I was engrossed in postpartum despression. In all of that, I have been engrossed in "mommyhood" and all that it entails. Nowhere in all of that have I had a chance to be engrossed in me, or anything having to do with me (unless you count therapy visits for the post partum depression).

I decided to return to work in August, and being that I am a college professor, that means in two weeks school will be starting. I have done nothing to prepare to this point. The reality of standing in a classroom of college students with eyes following my every step, pens moving quickly across notepads, fingers clicking away at keys on laptops and pda's and ears hinging on my every word, has been nothing short of a faint image in the recesses of my mind. Well, that's all about to change. I am about to have to crawl out of this cave I've been in for all these months and kick it into high gear, all at once. That's a little scary. My body is still so out of sorts from the hospital stay. My weight is down significantly. My mind has not focused on work that intently in months. The bulk of my conversation has been with a newborn/infant. My hair gets combed sporadically. I haven't worn work clothes in eons. All that said, I am so out of the swing of things!

Teaching adjunct, your classes are not guaranteed once you remove yourself from the system. As such, I have had to wait to see what classes I would wind up with and at what school(s). I usually do not teach more than four classes per semester, as that is about all I can take on, with my other artistic and entrepreneurial projects. So far, though, I only have two classes finalized (both will be on Mondays and Wednesdays). It is not unusual to not know what you will be teaching at this point, because adjuncts usually get brought in at the last minute (but once you're in, you're in). There have been several points where I have gotten antsy because I have wanted everything to fall into place immediately, giving me some sense of what I would be looking at once August 23rd rolled around. I have already begun working on a major producing project, on which I will labor over the next eight months, and I have one acting project lined up for the spring. All that is missing are my last two classes.

All of a sudden, when I awoke this morning, I knew something was looming. I felt something on my mind, although I hadn't yet checked in with myself to see what that was. When I stopped long enough to observe my thoughts, I found myself at a crossroad. Do I really want to take on two more classes, filling up my schedule, or do I want to keep three days a week open so that I can be a full-time mom on those days? Wow!! Where did that come from?! I already had my Blackberry on stand-by, silently chanting, "World, here I come!!!" Well, I might be coming, but it looks like I won't be coming as quickly as I had planned. I came to an important and surprising realization. I will not take on any more classes. I will teach two days a week and keep Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays as "Mommy Days." I actually want to be home with my Jace. I find that quite interesting. I never would have thought that would be something I desire, but as it turns out, it is. Have you ever come to a decision to find that the conclusion showed you something about yourself you did not know? Well that's what today was for me.

Forgoing those two classes would mean a sacrifice in income. What the heck, it's not like the last eight months of not working have not been a tremendous financial sacrifice! But the difference is, this time I am choosing the sacrifice; whereas until now God has imposed the sacrifice. I don't know that I can articulate how much this is an awakening for me...about me. It makes me smile and I feel proud to find that this would be my choice. I believe only someone who did not want to be a mother (but found herself as a mother anyway) or someone who knows me very, very well could understand how profound this is.

After that monumental revelation I thought, now what will I do if my two other classes come skipping down the way? Will I say "no," or will I believe that God is in alignment with my desire to get myself back on my financial feet right now? Well, I don't know. I suppose I will have to pray about that, if and when the time comes. It would not surprise me if God allows the opportunities to come now, because I have already gotten to see something about myself that is new and good. Maybe that is what He wanted. I guess we'll see. And at that time I will know just what to do; because even if I say "yes," it changes my perspective on how my time will be allocated. The luxury of teaching college is that a work day can be four hours. What I know now, is that any time I have, whether working or not, will be spent being a mom to my son...filled with activities and quality time that will change both of our lives.

So, it looks like the crossroad was less about work, and more about ME. It was my own personal crossroad of who I am, now, after all I've been through over the last 12 months. There is so much newness in my life now, and it looks like I may be just as new myself. Well...I must say, I like what I see. Thank you, God.

Today's "mommy note-able" - Twice today Jace was with my mother. As I approached them, and he looked into my eyes, he smiled, laughed and flailed around with sheer and utter excitement. It was as if he couldn't contain all that he felt inside his little body. I don't think there can be any other time in life where someone can be that purely excited to see me, just because. That sight was truly priceless and even as it was happening, I knew, without a doubt, it was a gift from God.

{credit for tree photo} {credit for gift photo}

My New Life as a "Non-Chef!"

One of the things I absolutely LOVE to do is cook. I really believe that in another life I was a chef, and I’m spending quite a bit of time in this life working out my chef-life karma, LOL. No, but seriously, I spend a lot of time cooking, exploring recipes, eating, thinking about food. Yes, thinking about food. Did I mention that I love to think about food?

Because this life with Jace has been so demanding and all-consuming, I have had to be creative in making time to get in the kitchen. One thing I don’t care for is how it always feels like I’m rushing. Since he hardly sleeps and I never know when he might need me, I can get most things done in 5 minutes or less. Okay, that’s exaggerating a little but you get the point. So when it comes to cooking, I now have to find the recipes that can fit the in-between. Not only that, the options for what I can eat are now slim and none!

Jace has had some allergic reactions so, his doctor has removed some things from my diet; and to help as much as I could, I removed some things based on my research. The valve in Jace’s tummy (that holds his food down once it is swallowed) was underdeveloped at birth, and has since taken months to develop properly. That was the cause for 24-hour spitting up. He was also suffering BADLY from gas and acid reflux. He also had an allergic reaction that affected his skin. So, first, I have been taken off of dairy for both his tummy and skin issues. I hear you saying, “That’s not so bad!” Oh, yes it is! You see it’s not just milk, cheese, sour cream; you know, the obvious. It’s milk protein which is in, say, just about everything! For those of you who have been told they have a dairy allergy, be careful because dairy can take on many different names. Click here to see a list for you to match against the ingredient lists on packages. Okay, so once she removed dairy, she then went on to remove beans and nuts (because of the skin issues). Kill me already…dairy, beans and nuts, three of my favorites!!

Then in my research I found lists of other foods that are common for causing gas in babies; things such as corn, broccoli, spicy foods, tomatoes, oh the list goes on…and on…and on. You want to see that too? Click here. But shellfish…oh no, not shrimp too!!!!? Umm, yes, shrimp too. In fact, all shellfish. I think you get it, right? It’s actually pretty ludicrous. I mean really, what can I eat? Dog food? Welcome to my new life as a "NON-chef!"

It seems that even though I am breast feeding, I am down to little or nothing to eat (that doesn’t take tons of thought and extra effort). Where am I supposed to get my nourishment from? In all of this madness, I am down to 100 pounds (pre-pregnancy weight 112-115). Thankfully, breast feeding has been successful, but right-eating has not. I’m working on it, but because of all that I cannot eat, it takes so much effort to nail down a solid meal. I am going to do better though, because I need to get back to feeling healthy. I feel malnourished. Having done 2 months in the hospital prior to delivery (I’ll talk about the reasons for that in a later post), my body has some adjusting yet to do in order for me to feel like myself. This eating situation does not help…nor does the lack of exercise, which I am not yet able to do because, even at five months, Jace takes up so much time.

So in my efforts to find what I could eat, I found a great recipe for you to try. If you like salmon, this one’s for you. If you don’t like salmon, this recipe is for you. And it is accompanied by a scrumptious remoulade sauce that tops the dish off nicely. I hate mayonnaise, but this sauce is so well-balanced, you’ll never know mayonnaise was in there. So, bon appétit!

SALMON CROQUETTES with SPICY REMOULADE SAUCE (Gluten Free)

Photo and recipe courtesy of The Happy Tummy

Salmon Croquettes

2 6 oz packages boneless skinless salmon (you will find this near the canned tuna)

2 large eggs

1/2 cup chopped fresh spinach (this doesn’t add a ton of spinach flavor, but it adds great color and nutrition)

2 TBSP mayonnaise

1 TBSP mustard (have used regular and Dijon, use whatever you have.)

1/2 tsp garlic powder

1/2 tsp season salt

1/2 tsp black pepper

1 cup breadcrumbs (gluten free if necessary)

2 TBSP olive oil

Directions:

Place all ingredients except breadcrumbs into a bowl and combine well with a fork. Add 1/2 cup of the breadcrumbs and combine. Reserve the other 1/2 cup of breadcrumbs in a shallow bowl or pie plate.

Heat olive oil in large pan on medium heat.

Take handfuls of the salmon mixture and form into balls (probably about 1/3 cup). Roll gently in the reserved breadcrumbs and then pat slightly into a patty that is about an inch thick. Place these into the hot oil and sauté for about 3 minutes.

Flip and sauté another 3 minutes until golden brown.

Remove to a plate to cool slightly and cook remaining croquettes. Makes 8 croquettes.

Note: You can also do most of the prep work for this ahead of time. Make them up until the point of needing to cook them and store them on a plate covered in plastic wrap in the fridge until dinner time. Then all you have to do is heat the oil and cook.

Spicy Remoulade Sauce

1/3 cup mayo (light is fine)

1 TBSP Dijon mustard (I have used plain and spicy)

2 TBSP Ketchup

1 tsp garlic powder

1/2 tsp black pepper

1 1/2 TBSP hot sauce

Mix all ingredients together with a fork or whisk. Serve with Salmon Croquettes.

Roots Run Deep

I have started planning Jace's dedication ceremony. This affair is bringing about so many thoughts about things I've never had a reason to think about. Things like what it is important for me to publicly commit, in covenant with God, to giving my child. I've started asking myself what that day means to ME, although it is a day set aside for Jace to be given back to God. I believe the dedication is equally as important for me because it is the beginning of that "covenant" relationship, where I take vows of sorts, regarding what I understand my role in his life to be. This is just as important as a wedding in my eyes; except that I am "marrying" my son :-).I am sure I will be writing about my discoveries regarding this sacred day, over the course of my planning, because what I see now is that even in this I am unveiling parts of the "gift" that came in the form of a son.

Today I visited a possible venue; a chapel, and I envisioned Jace being lifted high in the air with his face toward heaven. I heard words of thanks and praise, of celebration and life, of love and commitment. I saw smiles and tears and beauty. I felt proud and honored and determined. I don't know if here is where the event will be held, but I'm certain the place is a chapel; because that is the only place I can get the image I saw in my mind's eye today. So I said goodbye to my desire for an outdoor ceremony, but with very good reason!

Tonight I initiated a conversation with my mom about my expectations as they relate to the elders and ancestors in our family. I'm clear that I want Jace to know the stories that make up the fabric of our family history. I not only want it to be engrained in him who's who; but I want him to know the spirit of each person recounted. I want us to begin recognizing when and how the spirits of those who have gone before us not only influence our lives, but when and how they continue to live on through us. For example, I have been the free spirit who will up-and-move thousands of miles, knowing no one, for the purpose of a dream. When I look around me in my family, I don't see that type of energy readily apparent. But tonight, as I shared my expectation with my mother, she began to tell the story of how, at the age of 9, my grandfather hopped the rear of a freight train with his brother and "hobo'd" from Louisiana to Texas to start a new life. They would ride all day and sleep in the woods at night, after which they would hop a new train the next morning, exploring all the cities with stops along the way. This was just one of his exploits, as there were others, but ultimately on this one they met my great-grandmother at a boarding house, and that was the groundwork laid for the beginning of our family.

Now I realize that when I moved to New York City to pursue my dream, not knowing a soul, it was my grandfather's spirit in me that rendered me fearless. I imagine he was looking down at me saying, "There you go Chauncy! (as his love language was to call me by any name other than my own) you can do it!" I believe he petitioned the angels in a way that only a free-spirit could, to protect and guide me. While I was there I used to pray to God to send the Arch Angel Michael to protect me...but tonight I believe there were times when God lovingly and kindly sent my Papa in Michael's place.

So with that said, one of the things I want us all to be committed to doing for Jace, as a family, is to give him the gift of stories. I want us to pay close attention to his spirit, in order to recognize who he is drawing from and whose spirit is influencing him. Then, where it is positive, I want us to nurture that. I want to be able to see my own spirit within him, and nurture the best of it. This gives life to the legacy of those gone and those still here.

Today's experience was the revelation that my son, while individually unique, is made up of those who paved the way for me, those I've loved and lost, and those who walk beside me now. He is also made up of me. That makes him pretty special because HE is how we all live on. And I want him to know when he is pulling usefulness from beyond himself so that he will make the best of every moment, never giving up, forging ahead to further the family's collective mission. This, I believe, will give him a holistic view of who he is. It will offer him confidence for why he is who he is. It will help him see that he carries the dreams of his forefathers on his back, along with him, wherever he goes. It will give his life deeper and richer meaning to know that his roots run deep.

I am excited about the dedication and cannot wait for the creative elements to unfold. I just know it will be one of the most important planning endeavors of my life.

Today's firsts: Jace's first time on a college campus. His first time in a chapel. His first time riding in evening rush-hour traffic.

Mommy highlight: Jace was such a pleasure to hang out with today. He made the day easy and fun. We did it with ease and when I returned home I felt as though we had shared something really special, that no one could ever know fully, except us.

The World Brand New

I've heard it said that babies are God's way of allowing us to experience the beauty of the world all over again, as if for the very first time. Jace isn't old enough to have seen big things yet like his first butterfly, an airplane, or those dreaded golden arches, but there have certainly been many firsts. There was his first smile on day 2; the day he wore his first "real" outfit in the NICU (the yellow onesie that was just perfect for his day in the isolette); his first bath; the list goes on. However what I'm getting to see now is that there are some firsts that you catch in glimpses...ones where you find yourself doing a double-take and asking "Wait, did I just see that?" or "Wait a minute!! Has he ever done that before!?" These are things like when I first heard him cough. I responded "Heyyyyy!!!! You just coughed!" (as if he knew it was his first cough. Heck, as if he knew what a cough was)! Or when he opened his hand on his own and grabbed my finger. I looked around as if to ask the person next to me, "did you see that?!" except, no one was there. It was only me, having a "very first" moment, all on my own. Or yesterday when I caught him scratching his arm. I mean, all of a sudden it made sense why I could never feel accurate in letting his doctor know if his rash itches or not...he didn't know how to scratch!! So how would I know?! I saw those little fingers just-a-moving, and I wondered if he was as amazed as I was that he had learned to do something new for himself. But he was looking all around as if he couldn't care less. He had the nerve to be totally coordinated as if he'd been scratching for years! So I let him have his "oh please, mom, I've been doing this all along" moment, while I had my "that's one less thing he needs me for" moment. Then I noticed, which startled me, all the scratch marks on his little ankle where the bulk of the rash sits. So guess what? YES, doc, it itches!!!

Today's treat was that, as I sat on the bed thoroughly engaged in a phone call, I felt something on my leg. I looked down and what I saw stopped me mid-sentence. Or should I say, what I felt? There were four little fingers with nails dug into my skin, scratching. I looked at him, and had not realized he was looking in my eyes all along when I was not paying him any attention, and there he sat with the biggest smile on his face. It was as if he was saying, "Yeah, you didn't know I could do this, did ya?" I looked at him as if to say, "Umm, well, no," and simply said, "thank you, Love Bug, for scratching mommy's leg."

What I realize today is that with each exciting revelation for him, that will be one less thing he will need me for. My, that's bitter-sweet. That means one day I will set out to meet a need of his, and I will hear in reply, "That's alright, I have it mom." Guess I better brace myself. But, then again, I suppose I have many many years before I have to feel sad about that one ;-)

A gift in a very strange package

There are many different opinions on whether women can have it all. I sit on the fence with this issue, thinking that the answer depends on what “all” means and who’s trying to have it. Perhaps it is better to realize that “all” is relative, and becomes what each woman needs it to be in her own life and circumstances. So, in that case, the answer would be yes, a woman can have it all; and more than that, she can have it all very well. This would never have become a conversation piece for me except that I am now a new mother, trying to find what “all” is for me, and whether I can have it.

For various reasons, I never wanted children. One of which is that I felt I could not have the life I want for myself and have children too. That life would be one with a full career that demanded endlessly of me; where I could put in mind-bending all-nighters to my heart’s content. Where I would come and go as I please. One where when I say I’ll be there at 3:34PM, I would be there with minutes to spare, as opposed to minutes late, without a spit up stain on my blouse. There would be only me to worry about, to attend to, to appease, to teach (and that’s if I wanted to learn). In short, having a baby was taboo for me, and I don’t know if I can even articulate all the reasons why. I know some women would say that I have a selfish point of view. That may be true, but it is mine, and it is honest…and it has worked for me very well, bringing me fulfillment on a number of fronts and allowing me to thrive in areas that have been important to me.

There are many wonderful women longing for babies but unable to have them; yet it is I, the one who welcomed life without one, that has received that gift. It seems unfair, I suppose, until you factor in that I am not the one who creates life. I am not the one scripted every one of our experiences in the book of life before a single day had passed. I am not the master weaver, who knows our deepest heart's desires even if we, ourselves, are not aware of them. I am not GOD. It is HE that decided long ago, before I was born, that I was to be a mother of a child who is my very own flesh and blood. Now, how God's blueprint for my life and MY blueprint for my life could be so different, I will never know. But I am wise enough to say, even now, that His vision for my life paints me as far "bigger" and "badder" than I ever thought possible. If I'm honest, I didn't think motherhood was something I was “_____” enough to undertake. You name it, I didn't think I was strong enough, patient enough, feminine enough, wise enough, great enough, the list goes on. And I may still not be those things "enough," but He obviously sees me as "something" enough more than I do! That's quite humbling. It's like a compliment coming from the highest source...like Meryl Streep telling someone they're a good actor, only infinitely bigger. So I realize that my new life charge is to pray for an expanded vision of myself; because after all, there has been another part of me made manifest in the life of a now 15-pounder named Jace. He was given to me by God, for reasons I do not yet know. God says, “Children are God's gifts, a heritage, and a reward” (Matthew 127:3). The meaning of this scripture is my new quest in life. I must learn the ways in which this most unexpected and initially devastating life interruption is, in actuality, a gift.

Prior to March 2nd, the gifts in my life looked different; rewards took on a different form. Now I have something God, himself, calls a gift. I mean really, that says to me it's not up for discussion or debate, it just IS, and I’ve got to get with the program, or miss out on a really full and blessed life. And because of that, I want to not only find what this gift is all about, but I want that gift to fill me up inside.

This blog is extremely simple yet terribly complicated. It’s my journey to figuring out what it means for me to "have it all," and then finding a way to do just that. I'm sure there will be some of everything here, since it will be comprised of the things that make my life rich. Except now, it will be filled with the things that make "our" life together rich, jace and me. Has a ring to it doesn’t it? So although my entries may seem random, they will make up my life as it is experienced, thoughts as they come, events as they happen…so that I, myself, can witness my evolution into motherhood. If you’re joining me, I guess we will see what we find…together.

Welcome.