The Crossroad

Don't you just love those crossroads we come to in life that we don't even recognize as a crossroad? I don't know if you've ever arrived at one of those, but I have a time or two. It's the place where you're excited about something, busy lining things up or probing options...things can look good, or great even, and then comes a moment (in all the "greatness") where you realize a decision has to be made. What was once good and exciting has now become slightly heavy, burdensome.

Shortly following my pregnancy diagnosis of vasa previa last October, I was put on bed rest. Very soon after that I was hospitalized, where I stayed for two months until my son was born (prematurely). Since that time, five months ago, I have been at home with him full time. That means that the last eight months of my life have belonged to some thing and some one other than myself. First I was engrossed in the details of what it meant to have vasa previa, wondering if my son and I would survive. Then once that was behind us, I was engrossed with visits to the NICU, wondering how my son would progress and when he would come home. Once that was behind me, I was engrossed in learning to be a new mommy to a preemie. Following that I was engrossed in postpartum despression. In all of that, I have been engrossed in "mommyhood" and all that it entails. Nowhere in all of that have I had a chance to be engrossed in me, or anything having to do with me (unless you count therapy visits for the post partum depression).

I decided to return to work in August, and being that I am a college professor, that means in two weeks school will be starting. I have done nothing to prepare to this point. The reality of standing in a classroom of college students with eyes following my every step, pens moving quickly across notepads, fingers clicking away at keys on laptops and pda's and ears hinging on my every word, has been nothing short of a faint image in the recesses of my mind. Well, that's all about to change. I am about to have to crawl out of this cave I've been in for all these months and kick it into high gear, all at once. That's a little scary. My body is still so out of sorts from the hospital stay. My weight is down significantly. My mind has not focused on work that intently in months. The bulk of my conversation has been with a newborn/infant. My hair gets combed sporadically. I haven't worn work clothes in eons. All that said, I am so out of the swing of things!

Teaching adjunct, your classes are not guaranteed once you remove yourself from the system. As such, I have had to wait to see what classes I would wind up with and at what school(s). I usually do not teach more than four classes per semester, as that is about all I can take on, with my other artistic and entrepreneurial projects. So far, though, I only have two classes finalized (both will be on Mondays and Wednesdays). It is not unusual to not know what you will be teaching at this point, because adjuncts usually get brought in at the last minute (but once you're in, you're in). There have been several points where I have gotten antsy because I have wanted everything to fall into place immediately, giving me some sense of what I would be looking at once August 23rd rolled around. I have already begun working on a major producing project, on which I will labor over the next eight months, and I have one acting project lined up for the spring. All that is missing are my last two classes.

All of a sudden, when I awoke this morning, I knew something was looming. I felt something on my mind, although I hadn't yet checked in with myself to see what that was. When I stopped long enough to observe my thoughts, I found myself at a crossroad. Do I really want to take on two more classes, filling up my schedule, or do I want to keep three days a week open so that I can be a full-time mom on those days? Wow!! Where did that come from?! I already had my Blackberry on stand-by, silently chanting, "World, here I come!!!" Well, I might be coming, but it looks like I won't be coming as quickly as I had planned. I came to an important and surprising realization. I will not take on any more classes. I will teach two days a week and keep Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays as "Mommy Days." I actually want to be home with my Jace. I find that quite interesting. I never would have thought that would be something I desire, but as it turns out, it is. Have you ever come to a decision to find that the conclusion showed you something about yourself you did not know? Well that's what today was for me.

Forgoing those two classes would mean a sacrifice in income. What the heck, it's not like the last eight months of not working have not been a tremendous financial sacrifice! But the difference is, this time I am choosing the sacrifice; whereas until now God has imposed the sacrifice. I don't know that I can articulate how much this is an awakening for me...about me. It makes me smile and I feel proud to find that this would be my choice. I believe only someone who did not want to be a mother (but found herself as a mother anyway) or someone who knows me very, very well could understand how profound this is.

After that monumental revelation I thought, now what will I do if my two other classes come skipping down the way? Will I say "no," or will I believe that God is in alignment with my desire to get myself back on my financial feet right now? Well, I don't know. I suppose I will have to pray about that, if and when the time comes. It would not surprise me if God allows the opportunities to come now, because I have already gotten to see something about myself that is new and good. Maybe that is what He wanted. I guess we'll see. And at that time I will know just what to do; because even if I say "yes," it changes my perspective on how my time will be allocated. The luxury of teaching college is that a work day can be four hours. What I know now, is that any time I have, whether working or not, will be spent being a mom to my son...filled with activities and quality time that will change both of our lives.

So, it looks like the crossroad was less about work, and more about ME. It was my own personal crossroad of who I am, now, after all I've been through over the last 12 months. There is so much newness in my life now, and it looks like I may be just as new myself. Well...I must say, I like what I see. Thank you, God.

Today's "mommy note-able" - Twice today Jace was with my mother. As I approached them, and he looked into my eyes, he smiled, laughed and flailed around with sheer and utter excitement. It was as if he couldn't contain all that he felt inside his little body. I don't think there can be any other time in life where someone can be that purely excited to see me, just because. That sight was truly priceless and even as it was happening, I knew, without a doubt, it was a gift from God.

{credit for tree photo} {credit for gift photo}