A gift in a very strange package

There are many different opinions on whether women can have it all. I sit on the fence with this issue, thinking that the answer depends on what “all” means and who’s trying to have it. Perhaps it is better to realize that “all” is relative, and becomes what each woman needs it to be in her own life and circumstances. So, in that case, the answer would be yes, a woman can have it all; and more than that, she can have it all very well. This would never have become a conversation piece for me except that I am now a new mother, trying to find what “all” is for me, and whether I can have it.

For various reasons, I never wanted children. One of which is that I felt I could not have the life I want for myself and have children too. That life would be one with a full career that demanded endlessly of me; where I could put in mind-bending all-nighters to my heart’s content. Where I would come and go as I please. One where when I say I’ll be there at 3:34PM, I would be there with minutes to spare, as opposed to minutes late, without a spit up stain on my blouse. There would be only me to worry about, to attend to, to appease, to teach (and that’s if I wanted to learn). In short, having a baby was taboo for me, and I don’t know if I can even articulate all the reasons why. I know some women would say that I have a selfish point of view. That may be true, but it is mine, and it is honest…and it has worked for me very well, bringing me fulfillment on a number of fronts and allowing me to thrive in areas that have been important to me.

There are many wonderful women longing for babies but unable to have them; yet it is I, the one who welcomed life without one, that has received that gift. It seems unfair, I suppose, until you factor in that I am not the one who creates life. I am not the one scripted every one of our experiences in the book of life before a single day had passed. I am not the master weaver, who knows our deepest heart's desires even if we, ourselves, are not aware of them. I am not GOD. It is HE that decided long ago, before I was born, that I was to be a mother of a child who is my very own flesh and blood. Now, how God's blueprint for my life and MY blueprint for my life could be so different, I will never know. But I am wise enough to say, even now, that His vision for my life paints me as far "bigger" and "badder" than I ever thought possible. If I'm honest, I didn't think motherhood was something I was “_____” enough to undertake. You name it, I didn't think I was strong enough, patient enough, feminine enough, wise enough, great enough, the list goes on. And I may still not be those things "enough," but He obviously sees me as "something" enough more than I do! That's quite humbling. It's like a compliment coming from the highest source...like Meryl Streep telling someone they're a good actor, only infinitely bigger. So I realize that my new life charge is to pray for an expanded vision of myself; because after all, there has been another part of me made manifest in the life of a now 15-pounder named Jace. He was given to me by God, for reasons I do not yet know. God says, “Children are God's gifts, a heritage, and a reward” (Matthew 127:3). The meaning of this scripture is my new quest in life. I must learn the ways in which this most unexpected and initially devastating life interruption is, in actuality, a gift.

Prior to March 2nd, the gifts in my life looked different; rewards took on a different form. Now I have something God, himself, calls a gift. I mean really, that says to me it's not up for discussion or debate, it just IS, and I’ve got to get with the program, or miss out on a really full and blessed life. And because of that, I want to not only find what this gift is all about, but I want that gift to fill me up inside.

This blog is extremely simple yet terribly complicated. It’s my journey to figuring out what it means for me to "have it all," and then finding a way to do just that. I'm sure there will be some of everything here, since it will be comprised of the things that make my life rich. Except now, it will be filled with the things that make "our" life together rich, jace and me. Has a ring to it doesn’t it? So although my entries may seem random, they will make up my life as it is experienced, thoughts as they come, events as they happen…so that I, myself, can witness my evolution into motherhood. If you’re joining me, I guess we will see what we find…together.

Welcome.