A Dream Deferred...Not Anymore!

I will be playing the role of "Rena" in August Wilson's, Jitney at The Ensemble Theatre from March 26-April 24, 2011.

So, it was my goal to spend one year in "adjustment" mode, settling in as a new mommy. I usually somewhat overextend myself, much to my liking, keeping myself extremely busy, mentally & intellectually stimulated, and overly stressed. My roster usually includes my teaching, an artistic endeavor and some entrepreneurial undertaking. For example, last year this time I was teaching four classes (University of Houston Downtown and Houston Community College Stafford); co-producing the annual fundraiser for Texas Southern University, the TSU Honors (honoring 58-year veteran head coach of the debate team, Dr. Thomas Freeman and award-winning gospel vocalist and radio personality, Yolanda Adams); co-starring in a short film, I Pledge Allegiance (written and directed by Lionell Hilliard); and rehearsing for the role of "Ruby" in August Wilson's, Seven Guitars at The Ensemble Theatre. During all of that, I found out I was pregnant, quite unexpectedly and much to my dismay. Even now, I have absolutely no idea how I made it through that time. If there was ever a time in my life that I would not want to revisit, that is it. Miraculously God got me through it. Nonetheless, that was a workload which represented what my life was all about; a true reflection of how I moved about at any given moment.

Suffice it to say, there is no way I could function at even a fraction of that capacity now, having Jace as my sidekick. I have been typing on this post for about an hour and fifteen minutes. Jace has awakened every 10-12 minutes, sometimes for feeding and others just to be rocked back to sleep. Seemingly he is having a difficult night, yet this is a typical night in the life of Jace's mom. With this being my reality, it would be practically impossible to take on any responsibilities that require consistent and concentrated focus for periods of time, with people depending on me. So for right now, the only things on my agenda for the remainder of the year are my classes (two for now at the University of Houston Downtown) and co-producing the TSU Honors 2011. Although the "Honors" is not until April 2011, we have already begun planning and putting feet to the event, which is so dynamic it will take all of the eight months ahead to plan.

I knew I wanted the role in Jitney although I knew it would be a stretch, not knowing how I will manage with Jace, as I go through the four weeks of six-day-a-week rehearsals, followed by four weeks of performing six-shows-a-week. But that did not change the fact that I wanted that role. So, I auditioned. And, I got it. I will just have to work out the new-mommy-management on the back end. For now, I am excited that a very important piece of my life has made its way back into my reality. Acting is my passion and theatre fuels my spirit. To know that this role is waiting for me gives me something tremendously wonderful to look forward to. I am anxious to see how all that I have been through over the last year impacts my acting sensibilities. Naturally, having a child now, I feel more serious. I feel more committed. I feel more present. Those are things I know will serve me as an actress. So we will see what lies ahead for "Rena."

It is said that art imitates life. Interestingly, the last two roles I played were ones where I was pregnant (I Pledge Allegiance and Seven Guitars) and I happened to be pregnant in real life (that means that Jace has already made appearances on both stage and film ;-). In the role in Jitney I play a mother of a two-year-old trying to stabilize her young family as she navigates motherhood along with her future goals. How ironic. Well, not really...just art imitating life again.

Thank you, God, for not forgetting how important this part of my life is to me. This is truly a gift.

Today's "Mommy-Noteable Moment" - It's like all of a sudden Jace has become overly curious, about everything. It is intriguing to watch how intent he is when observing things for the very first time. These are things I have seen consistently for many years, so they are commonplace to say the least. As I look intently at him, as he is looking intently at whatever is capturing his attention at the moment, I find myself trying to see "it" for the very first time along with him. There is something intoxicating about drawing myself to the present to really "see" what is around me. I would not be doing that if it were not for him. So, for that I am thankful.

The Crossroad

Don't you just love those crossroads we come to in life that we don't even recognize as a crossroad? I don't know if you've ever arrived at one of those, but I have a time or two. It's the place where you're excited about something, busy lining things up or probing options...things can look good, or great even, and then comes a moment (in all the "greatness") where you realize a decision has to be made. What was once good and exciting has now become slightly heavy, burdensome.

Shortly following my pregnancy diagnosis of vasa previa last October, I was put on bed rest. Very soon after that I was hospitalized, where I stayed for two months until my son was born (prematurely). Since that time, five months ago, I have been at home with him full time. That means that the last eight months of my life have belonged to some thing and some one other than myself. First I was engrossed in the details of what it meant to have vasa previa, wondering if my son and I would survive. Then once that was behind us, I was engrossed with visits to the NICU, wondering how my son would progress and when he would come home. Once that was behind me, I was engrossed in learning to be a new mommy to a preemie. Following that I was engrossed in postpartum despression. In all of that, I have been engrossed in "mommyhood" and all that it entails. Nowhere in all of that have I had a chance to be engrossed in me, or anything having to do with me (unless you count therapy visits for the post partum depression).

I decided to return to work in August, and being that I am a college professor, that means in two weeks school will be starting. I have done nothing to prepare to this point. The reality of standing in a classroom of college students with eyes following my every step, pens moving quickly across notepads, fingers clicking away at keys on laptops and pda's and ears hinging on my every word, has been nothing short of a faint image in the recesses of my mind. Well, that's all about to change. I am about to have to crawl out of this cave I've been in for all these months and kick it into high gear, all at once. That's a little scary. My body is still so out of sorts from the hospital stay. My weight is down significantly. My mind has not focused on work that intently in months. The bulk of my conversation has been with a newborn/infant. My hair gets combed sporadically. I haven't worn work clothes in eons. All that said, I am so out of the swing of things!

Teaching adjunct, your classes are not guaranteed once you remove yourself from the system. As such, I have had to wait to see what classes I would wind up with and at what school(s). I usually do not teach more than four classes per semester, as that is about all I can take on, with my other artistic and entrepreneurial projects. So far, though, I only have two classes finalized (both will be on Mondays and Wednesdays). It is not unusual to not know what you will be teaching at this point, because adjuncts usually get brought in at the last minute (but once you're in, you're in). There have been several points where I have gotten antsy because I have wanted everything to fall into place immediately, giving me some sense of what I would be looking at once August 23rd rolled around. I have already begun working on a major producing project, on which I will labor over the next eight months, and I have one acting project lined up for the spring. All that is missing are my last two classes.

All of a sudden, when I awoke this morning, I knew something was looming. I felt something on my mind, although I hadn't yet checked in with myself to see what that was. When I stopped long enough to observe my thoughts, I found myself at a crossroad. Do I really want to take on two more classes, filling up my schedule, or do I want to keep three days a week open so that I can be a full-time mom on those days? Wow!! Where did that come from?! I already had my Blackberry on stand-by, silently chanting, "World, here I come!!!" Well, I might be coming, but it looks like I won't be coming as quickly as I had planned. I came to an important and surprising realization. I will not take on any more classes. I will teach two days a week and keep Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays as "Mommy Days." I actually want to be home with my Jace. I find that quite interesting. I never would have thought that would be something I desire, but as it turns out, it is. Have you ever come to a decision to find that the conclusion showed you something about yourself you did not know? Well that's what today was for me.

Forgoing those two classes would mean a sacrifice in income. What the heck, it's not like the last eight months of not working have not been a tremendous financial sacrifice! But the difference is, this time I am choosing the sacrifice; whereas until now God has imposed the sacrifice. I don't know that I can articulate how much this is an awakening for me...about me. It makes me smile and I feel proud to find that this would be my choice. I believe only someone who did not want to be a mother (but found herself as a mother anyway) or someone who knows me very, very well could understand how profound this is.

After that monumental revelation I thought, now what will I do if my two other classes come skipping down the way? Will I say "no," or will I believe that God is in alignment with my desire to get myself back on my financial feet right now? Well, I don't know. I suppose I will have to pray about that, if and when the time comes. It would not surprise me if God allows the opportunities to come now, because I have already gotten to see something about myself that is new and good. Maybe that is what He wanted. I guess we'll see. And at that time I will know just what to do; because even if I say "yes," it changes my perspective on how my time will be allocated. The luxury of teaching college is that a work day can be four hours. What I know now, is that any time I have, whether working or not, will be spent being a mom to my son...filled with activities and quality time that will change both of our lives.

So, it looks like the crossroad was less about work, and more about ME. It was my own personal crossroad of who I am, now, after all I've been through over the last 12 months. There is so much newness in my life now, and it looks like I may be just as new myself. Well...I must say, I like what I see. Thank you, God.

Today's "mommy note-able" - Twice today Jace was with my mother. As I approached them, and he looked into my eyes, he smiled, laughed and flailed around with sheer and utter excitement. It was as if he couldn't contain all that he felt inside his little body. I don't think there can be any other time in life where someone can be that purely excited to see me, just because. That sight was truly priceless and even as it was happening, I knew, without a doubt, it was a gift from God.

{credit for tree photo} {credit for gift photo}

My New Life as a "Non-Chef!"

One of the things I absolutely LOVE to do is cook. I really believe that in another life I was a chef, and I’m spending quite a bit of time in this life working out my chef-life karma, LOL. No, but seriously, I spend a lot of time cooking, exploring recipes, eating, thinking about food. Yes, thinking about food. Did I mention that I love to think about food?

Because this life with Jace has been so demanding and all-consuming, I have had to be creative in making time to get in the kitchen. One thing I don’t care for is how it always feels like I’m rushing. Since he hardly sleeps and I never know when he might need me, I can get most things done in 5 minutes or less. Okay, that’s exaggerating a little but you get the point. So when it comes to cooking, I now have to find the recipes that can fit the in-between. Not only that, the options for what I can eat are now slim and none!

Jace has had some allergic reactions so, his doctor has removed some things from my diet; and to help as much as I could, I removed some things based on my research. The valve in Jace’s tummy (that holds his food down once it is swallowed) was underdeveloped at birth, and has since taken months to develop properly. That was the cause for 24-hour spitting up. He was also suffering BADLY from gas and acid reflux. He also had an allergic reaction that affected his skin. So, first, I have been taken off of dairy for both his tummy and skin issues. I hear you saying, “That’s not so bad!” Oh, yes it is! You see it’s not just milk, cheese, sour cream; you know, the obvious. It’s milk protein which is in, say, just about everything! For those of you who have been told they have a dairy allergy, be careful because dairy can take on many different names. Click here to see a list for you to match against the ingredient lists on packages. Okay, so once she removed dairy, she then went on to remove beans and nuts (because of the skin issues). Kill me already…dairy, beans and nuts, three of my favorites!!

Then in my research I found lists of other foods that are common for causing gas in babies; things such as corn, broccoli, spicy foods, tomatoes, oh the list goes on…and on…and on. You want to see that too? Click here. But shellfish…oh no, not shrimp too!!!!? Umm, yes, shrimp too. In fact, all shellfish. I think you get it, right? It’s actually pretty ludicrous. I mean really, what can I eat? Dog food? Welcome to my new life as a "NON-chef!"

It seems that even though I am breast feeding, I am down to little or nothing to eat (that doesn’t take tons of thought and extra effort). Where am I supposed to get my nourishment from? In all of this madness, I am down to 100 pounds (pre-pregnancy weight 112-115). Thankfully, breast feeding has been successful, but right-eating has not. I’m working on it, but because of all that I cannot eat, it takes so much effort to nail down a solid meal. I am going to do better though, because I need to get back to feeling healthy. I feel malnourished. Having done 2 months in the hospital prior to delivery (I’ll talk about the reasons for that in a later post), my body has some adjusting yet to do in order for me to feel like myself. This eating situation does not help…nor does the lack of exercise, which I am not yet able to do because, even at five months, Jace takes up so much time.

So in my efforts to find what I could eat, I found a great recipe for you to try. If you like salmon, this one’s for you. If you don’t like salmon, this recipe is for you. And it is accompanied by a scrumptious remoulade sauce that tops the dish off nicely. I hate mayonnaise, but this sauce is so well-balanced, you’ll never know mayonnaise was in there. So, bon appétit!

SALMON CROQUETTES with SPICY REMOULADE SAUCE (Gluten Free)

Photo and recipe courtesy of The Happy Tummy

Salmon Croquettes

2 6 oz packages boneless skinless salmon (you will find this near the canned tuna)

2 large eggs

1/2 cup chopped fresh spinach (this doesn’t add a ton of spinach flavor, but it adds great color and nutrition)

2 TBSP mayonnaise

1 TBSP mustard (have used regular and Dijon, use whatever you have.)

1/2 tsp garlic powder

1/2 tsp season salt

1/2 tsp black pepper

1 cup breadcrumbs (gluten free if necessary)

2 TBSP olive oil

Directions:

Place all ingredients except breadcrumbs into a bowl and combine well with a fork. Add 1/2 cup of the breadcrumbs and combine. Reserve the other 1/2 cup of breadcrumbs in a shallow bowl or pie plate.

Heat olive oil in large pan on medium heat.

Take handfuls of the salmon mixture and form into balls (probably about 1/3 cup). Roll gently in the reserved breadcrumbs and then pat slightly into a patty that is about an inch thick. Place these into the hot oil and sauté for about 3 minutes.

Flip and sauté another 3 minutes until golden brown.

Remove to a plate to cool slightly and cook remaining croquettes. Makes 8 croquettes.

Note: You can also do most of the prep work for this ahead of time. Make them up until the point of needing to cook them and store them on a plate covered in plastic wrap in the fridge until dinner time. Then all you have to do is heat the oil and cook.

Spicy Remoulade Sauce

1/3 cup mayo (light is fine)

1 TBSP Dijon mustard (I have used plain and spicy)

2 TBSP Ketchup

1 tsp garlic powder

1/2 tsp black pepper

1 1/2 TBSP hot sauce

Mix all ingredients together with a fork or whisk. Serve with Salmon Croquettes.