I Wonder What's in My Toy Box...

This morning I prepared to enter into some thinking time on my commute to work, when I felt the inkling to turn on the radio. It was on Gospel station 92.1 and Yolanda Adams had just begun her daily meditation. She said November would be a month of learning how to pray and today was the first installment in that series. Among the many things she said was, “God does not want us to practice failure. He wants us to practice success.” She went on to elaborate saying that God does not release certain things to us because of our lack of readiness. I thought about my feelings on this. I used to hate when people said God withheld things because we weren’t ready. I think that was because it felt like more of a personal critique than something I could bring myself to swallow.

Interestingly though, now that I have a child I was able to take a new perspective. I could instantly recall my visit to Babies R’ Us on yesterday, where I slowly walked down every toy aisle, in search of toys that indicated they were for children starting at 6 months. I had previously bought Jace a couple of toys, and very excitedly so, on which I paid absolutely no attention to the clearly labeled age minimum. I got the toys home and noted within seconds of giving them to him that they were put straight into his mouth. Now, this is not what these particular toys were for. I mean, I had brought home a fancy laptop/story book combination, and a story book that if you press the buttons it would read the pages aloud for you. These things were certainly not for eating! So I found myself spending quite a bit of time taking them from him, and then trying to manually position his hands to hold them properly and then explain (in a language he doesn’t yet understand, mind you) how the toys are to be used and how invaluable they are as learning and advancement tools. I jokingly said to him, “Well I guess you’re not as advanced as I thought you were.” But I seriously said to myself, there is a reason they put the age minimums on the toys, smarty! LOL!

When Yolanda made her statement this morning, I laughed aloud as I recalled the example of the toys. While I saw many things on yesterday that I would love for Jace to have, I had learned from my previous experience that he just wasn’t ready. More importantly, it was not because I do not love him; or because I don’t think he is quite brilliant for his age; or because I am the mean old mom. It was because mentally and physically he just has not developed to a place of readiness for the things I wanted to give him. His mind cannot comprehend how they are to be used. He does not even have language available to him yet that would allow him to ask me any questions he might have. His muscles are not yet strong enough to hold them properly. His coordination (the little he has) is so new that it has not evolved enough to serve him in areas that require more than what he knows to this point. His current behavioral habit is to place things in his mouth. He needs things that foster that; to soothe his ailing gums and that allow him to learn and feel various textures. The problem was not him; it was me. I was trying to meet a need that he does not yet have. And so I believe this is how it is with God.

There are many things He wants to give us, but in His loving wisdom, He only gives us what we are mentally, physically and spiritually able to handle at the time. Isn’t that what a caring parent does…one who pays attention and desires that their child develops naturally, thoroughly and in order? That’s just who God is. And like Yolanda says, he sets us up to practice success and not failure. To have given Jace those toys and expected him to get the full benefit of them would have been unwise on my part. Where are those toys now? Well, because Jace kept the book in his mouth, the pages started to tear (even though they were thick cardboard). So they’ve been tucked away in a box since that very day, waiting for him to grow into them. This makes me wonder what God has tucked away in the toy box for me. What does He have waiting for me that He is waiting for me to grow into? I'll bet there are some good things in that box!! It also helped me to see that there are things He will withhold from me until I am ready for them. Now I know that is not punitive. In fact, it is nothing less than loving.

With that new perspective, I can look around my life as it stands, for the “toys” that are lying around. I can set my mind to the things I have and am able to master right now, and not the things I do not have or desire to master in the future. I have to accept that my spiritual muscles are still developing; my mind is still expanding to incorporate language and understanding that I do not yet have; and that my body is strengthening to be able to accommodate my future calling. And when it is time, as I am able, things will come my way…but not a moment sooner.

The most significant “toy” (albeit very real) I have in front of me right now is my son. That is something I was obviously ready for that was released into my possession. It is also something I have to grow into, although I don’t foresee mastery in the plan ;-) … He is the most major part of my current life. And as sure as he is, there are other things around for me to use in my growing efforts that I likely take for granted; and it is my responsibility to find them, use them and master them, or I will not be advancing to the next stage any time soon.

In the meantime, I wonder what's in my toy box ... okay, okay I will stay focused on right now ;-)

Yummy Granola Bars

Being a new mommy one of the hardest things for me to do is EAT. This is a real challenge because ordinarily I absolutely LOVE food. Since having Jace I have struggled with my diet because I am breastfeeding and he apparently has some food allergies, meaning it is MY diet that takes the hit. Until we know for sure what's on his no-eat list, mommy must sacrifice. My pre-pregnancy weight was 115 pounds. My post-pregnancy weight is 101 (after having gained 5 pounds). First, I have been under a tremendous amount of stress; and second, Jace is just now getting to where he will give me just a few minutes to eat (hence the weight gain - thanks Jace!). So with that, I NEED TO EAT AS MUCH AS I CAN.

Jace is also NON-STOP. For example, today he took one nap for 30 minutes and another for 10 minutes...this is since he woke up this morning...and he is STILL going strong, fighting his sleep, and I am playing trade-off with my mother for both our sanity's sake...talk about exhausting! So, one of the things I am working really hard on is finding ways to squeeze meals into the seemingly impossible schedule he keeps. This means having as much as I can prepared ahead of time; things I can put together in a matter of minutes or snacks to grab and go. One of the quick energy snacks I have fallen in love with are these homemade granola bars. I love granola bars and never had I considered making my own. But I did, and I can honestly say I will never turn back to any store-bought granola bars, ever.

Below is the recipe I found online at www.allrecipes.com. It is fabulous! I use it as a foundational recipe to which I add things like flax seed, dried papaya & mango, cranberry, raisins, varying nuts, coconut, chocolate chips, my list goes on. Periodically I make some substitutions to see just how healthy I can get with it (whole wheat flour instead of white, a little less sugar, etc.). The bars come out thick, while nice and chewy. I love being able to reach for something quick, healthy and tasty. And I love the idea of making things at home that I used to rely solely on the grocer to provide. So, here's the recipe. If you test it out, let me know what you think; and let me know if you come up with any interesting substitutions I can try. I love experimenting. Bon apetit!

Playgroup Granola Bars

You will need:

*   2 cups rolled oats

*   3/4 cup packed brown sugar

*   1/2 cup wheat germ

*   3/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon

*   1 cup all-purpose flour

*   3/4 cup raisins (optional)

*   3/4 teaspoon salt

*   1/2 cup honey

*   1 egg, beaten

*   1/2 cup vegetable oil

*   2 teaspoons vanilla extract

To create your granola bars:

1. Pre-heat the oven to 350 degrees.

2. Spray your baking pan/dish with a pan spray. The original recipe calls for a 9x13 inch baking pan. You can customize this recipe by creating fun shaped granola bars with specialty pans. For instance, you can make granola shaped like cupcakes or bake it in a character pan for fun.

3. Mix oats, brown sugar, wheat germ, cinnamon, flour, salt, and raisins . At this time you can add additional items for personal taste. Common granola bars items include: nuts, coconut, chocolate chips for a treat, peanut butter for protein, and even dried fruit will make fun items for variety.

4. Make a well in the center, and pour in the honey, egg, oil and vanilla.

5. Pack the granola mixture into the pan and distribute the mixture evenly in the pan or add to cupcake liners if you prefer.

6. Bake for 30 to 35 minutes. Remove the bars when they begin to turn golden at the edges. Cool for 5 minutes, then cut into bars while still warm. Do not allow the bars to cool completely before cutting, or they will be too hard to cut.

Amazing Grace

People have always thought I was strange because I love going to the doctor. Not for the medicinal aspect of it, but for that feeling I get when I get a diagnosis that explains something I have not been able to figure out about what’s going on with my body; or after hearing, “you’re going to be just fine” if I’ve gone in for an ailment, or simply receiving a nice clean bill of health. Ahhhhhh. I always walk out of the doctor’s office feeling as if I’ve been given a new lease on life. There’s usually a bit more pep in my step, optimism in my spirit, confidence in my soul. Weird, I know, but it’s true.

Today was my first well-woman exam since having Jace in March. There was to be nothing out of the ordinary about this visit. I called my OB/GYN’s office and set up an appointment, plugged it in the calendar on my Blackberry and called it a day. Now it was one hour before time for me to make the journey to my doctor’s office. This was to be the typical gynecology appointment, you know, complete with the plush bed, silk gown that opens in the front, fuzzy slippers to keep your toes warm as you place your feet in the stirrups, the twice-warmed and flexible speculum; oh and the complimentary cup of tea with a homemade crumpet to relax you during this long-awaited spa day. Yeah right! Okay, so that’s not quite what it’s like, but if you’re a woman you know I’m only slightly off ;-)

So I looked at the clock and realized time had gotten away from me, as I stood at the kitchen counter chopping and storing fruit to make my daily smoothie preparation easier. I hurriedly finished the fruit job, rushed to grab everything I needed to leave the house, kissed Jace goodbye, jumped in the car, and hit the road, all with very little time to think. As I approached the doctor’s office I felt my entire body tense up in a way I had never felt before…at least I thought. My heart started racing, and I felt this light tingle in what seemed to be every nerve in my body, really. I was caught off-guard by this random occurrence. This was a full-blown panic attack. I mean why would I be having a panic attack going to the gynecologist? Without delay, I immediately let my defenses down and no sooner than I did, it came right to me. I was instantaneously reminded of the weekly exams while in the hospital, pregnant with Jace.

On October 2009 I was diagnosed with vasa previa. “Vasa previa is a rarely (1:2500) reported condition in which fetal blood vessel(s) from the placenta or umbilical cord crosses the entrance to the birth canal, beneath the baby. The condition has a high fetal mortality rate of 50-95% (www.ivpf.org).” In laymen’s terms, there was a blood vessel along Jace’s umbilical cord, carrying his blood; that should have been encased inside the cord, instead it was totally exposed. This meant that any puncture or excessive amount of pressure could have caused the exposed vessel to rupture and interrupt the flow of blood from me to Jace. If this were to happen, it would have taken only approximately three minutes for him to bleed to death.

“When vasa previa is diagnosed, elective delivery by cesarean before labor begins can save the baby's life (www.ivpf.org). So…I was admitted to the hospital at 28 weeks due to pre-term labor. With the stakes being so high in the event of a rupture, my doctor demanded that I be admitted to the hospital immediately (after I had to advocate, but that’s a whole other entry), so that I could be under 24-hour watch and close to the ER in the event the unfortunate happened. I often described it as having a time bomb inside my body, and that in and of itself is a form of torture. I was in the hospital just under seven weeks, on complete bed rest with restroom privileges only. This was to keep me from over-exerting myself in any way that could cause undue pressure on the vessel. It did not help that the entire time Jace was head-down, with his head sitting “right on top of the vessel.” There were days my doctor stressed over whether we should deliver because it seemed he could cause his own demise. There was the constant desire to keep him in the oven as long as possible, but at the same time trying to make sure he came out alive.

Every Monday morning between 6-7AM I had a vaginal exam to determine how things were progressing with my cervix and to monitor Jace’s positioning on the vessel (it was because of that I had two exams per week for about a month). Because of the vessel, no speculum could be used, but the transvaginal ultrasound with color Doppler was used along with the good old finger exam. There are no words to describe the utter fear that would rush through me every time I had to have an exam. I was petrified each and every time that the blood vessel would rupture in our efforts to be proactive. I would tense up so tightly that the exams were extremely painful and I would, within seconds, go from talking and laughing with the doctor and ultrasound tech to both my eyes filling with tears, simply because I was scared. I have never known fear like that. I had never been in a real life/death situation; and this one played out second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, day after day, month after month…with fear in tow. I am a Christian, with a very personal relationship with God…so I did all that any bible thumper would tell me to do…cast my cares on him, not to worry, be anxious for nothing, etc. But I also know that our expectations are often different from the plan of the Divine. I realized that the outcome could go either way. It all depended on what was written in the book of life for me before my life ever began. There was no way I could know which experience God would so ordain for me; to lose the baby he created inside of me, or to leave the hospital with my son in my arms. So I did not fear the vessel as much as I feared not knowing God’s plan. Thankfully, in the end, Jace was born safe and sound and eventually I did walk out of those sliding doors with him at my side.

So, fast forward to today…the panic attack…the sense memory manifesting in my body. It was the fear of that entire ordeal revisiting me. It may sound strange, but I felt as if that vessel was sitting right where it was in March, ready to explode. My body assumed the position it had held for so many weeks; one of tension and anxiety, as I prepared to experience another “exam” today. I thought about being a no-show, but I needed to get the new prescription for my prenatal vitamins since I am still breastfeeding. I had no choice. The dread and panic stayed with me the entire time. Throughout the entire exam my body felt the same as it did lying on that bed in the hospital all those times we had to do our weekly “check in.” Interestingly, even as I type, I feel as though it is still there...lurking.

It was quite a revelation to see how trauma really works. When you are in a crisis situation, you do what you have to do to survive it. While you focus on the matter at hand at times, you don’t focus on what it is actually doing to you in your inner being. In fact, I don’t think that’s something we can know because we have not yet completed the experience, nor have we had time to assimilate to a different experience afterward to be able to begin putting it in context. Experiences shape us; it’s just what they do. I don’t believe any experience is exempt. Every experience has some effect, whether we ever know that effect or not. Once a trauma has passed, we usually try to “get over it.” At least that’s what most people tell us to do. And so we get over it. But one way to see what that experience has done to us in the innermost crevices of our being is to come face to face with a similar experience again. Sense memory kicks in and if we are able to move into a position of “participant observer” we can begin objectively assessing the damage. That’s what happened to me today. Since having Jace I rarely speak of my experience in the hospital. In many ways it’s like it never happened. I mean life kicked in, I had a new baby, a new life, and all of my attention was demanded in each and every day, so I could not appropriate thoughts to the past in any significant way. But today was another story. It was but a moment in time; but it was a moment monumental enough for me to see the state of my inside self. My heart has raced at times I have typed this post. The panic came back; it went; it came back again, because no matter how much "getting over it" I do, that experience affected me in ways yet to be seen or known.

I witnessed enough today to know that the trauma of that experience was/is real. And God is gracious enough to be holding it at bay so that I can attend to the beautiful son he blessed me with, and so that my healing can take place slowly and surely. What I believe God did today was allow me to see the work He is doing on my behalf. He is literally holding back panic and anxiety on a daily basis, so that I can be free. It’s nothing less than His love for Jace and me. Today was a reminder that God wants the best for us, and that He is always on our side working to give us just that. It took my mind to the scripture "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness (2 Corinthian 12:9).” Today was certainly a weak moment, yet His power was perfectly sweet and gentle and strong. I got through the appointment. I got what I needed for Jace. And I got a revelation that will last me a lifetime. How’s that for staring trauma in the face?

Today’s Mommy-Noteable Moment:  I awakened this morning with Jace’s legs intertwined in mine. After untangling us, I attempted to roll over to grab my cell phone in order to check the time. I couldn’t budge. I turned on the light so that I could see what was going on. That's when I noticed that one of his arms was under my top and the other was lying on top of part of it. I just stared at us for a moment and smiled. I thought to myself, “you won’t be this small always; you won’t want to be this close to me always; and this exact moment will never happen again.” It was sacred. And I am thankful that on this day, you and I were tangled.

He Makes All Things New

Photo by Jordyn Lorenz

Sunday 9/12/2010 started out as a typical hot and smoldering September day in Houston. It later turned into an extremely dark, cloudy, thunderous, lightening-filled, storm-threatening evening…the kind of day I absolutely LOVE. It was time for Jace and my evening walk, but surely I wasn't going to take him out in weather like this? Oh, but how could I not? It was the kind of weather that made me tingle inside. It was gloomy, clouds were rolling in and out, the wind was blowing, leaves rustling. A perfect day. And yes, I most certainly was going to take Jace out in this weather, so he could share one of my moments with me.

We slowly strolled up and down the street, feeling the wind, listening to the thunder, being startled by the lightening. All of a sudden, I looked up and saw the image seen in the picture above. It was a sky full of dark gray clouds, with just a small portion of snow white clouds peeping out from behind them. That’s not all…the sun cast an ever-so-bright glare onto the white cloud, illuminating it against the midnight sky. It was unbelievable. It looked unreal, like something from an issue of Life magazine. Now this was some of God’s most amazing artistry. All I could say was, “Jace, look!” as I stared in amazement.

The first thought that came to mind after I took in the beauty of the imagery was, "that's life, sitting right in the sky at this very moment." It went from being a beautiful sunny day, to one of the darkest and scariest stormy days we’ve seen this season…all in a matter of moments. But what was so profound about the image in the sky, almost as if God allowed it to happen in slow motion so we could “get it,” was that the sun and the beautiful full clouds never left. They were always there. They were just covered up by the other darker, more transient clouds. And just because those clouds rolled in, with all their thunder and lightening to boot, nothing could erase what was behind them, sheer beauty. What’s more, I got to see that the “beauty” was far more stable and long lasting than the other. It just was. It sat there, in its majesty, never moving.; yet seemingly being overtaken by something far less attractive in comparison. But once the storm subsided, I looked up, and there they were…the sun and the puffy white clouds, as if to say, "Oh no, we're not going anywhere."

This was a powerful lesson. It was a moment in time where God used art to teach me, through illustration, what it meant to have my beautiful life overtaken by storms. He showed me that the beauty was still there; that it had never left. He told me that the threat and sound of the storm were enough to make me run for cover, but that the most stable thing, in spite of it all, is really the beauty. Sometimes it fills the sky, and other times it only peeps through, but is it always…always…there. I just have to search for it.

This let me know that I am on the right track as I search for the beauty in this gift called Jace. But it now expands to all of my life. Storms come on all fronts, as they certainly have in my life in the recent months. But this artwork was God’s way of nudging me to say, “Daughter, I believe there is enough beauty peeping through in your life now where you can see it…take a look.” And as the day and night progressed, I did just that. Quietly and even subconsciously, I searched, and I found beauty. Things that were unsightly, just one day prior, had transformed and had become beautiful. Not all things, but some…enough for me to see that there really was something peeping through, with just a bit of a sunshine glow. Powerful.

THEN I saw a new sky (heaven) and a new earth, for the former sky and the former earth had passed away (vanished). And I saw the holy city, the new Jerusalem, descending out of heaven from God, all arrayed like a bride beautified and adorned for her husband. Then I heard a mighty voice from the throne and I perceived its distinct words, saying, See! The abode of God is with men, and He will live (encamp, tent) among them; and they shall be His people, and God shall personally be with them and be their God. God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and death shall be no more, neither shall there be anguish (sorrow and mourning) nor grief nor pain any more, for the old conditions and the former order of things have passed away. And He Who is seated on the throne said, See! I make all things new. Also He said, Record this, for these sayings are faithful (accurate, incorruptible, and trustworthy) and true (genuine) [Revelations 21:1-5, Amp].

So, I am recording what I saw, because it is faithful and true…He who is seated on the throne will make ALL things new. And boy, am I glad for that!

Photo courtesy of Listfied.com

Today’s “Mommy-Notable Moment" – sharing the fullness of a brewing storm with Jace. Feeling the elements and observing the change in the earth as we prepared for a shift in nature. Having this most welcomed and beloved sensory experience with Jace for the first time goes down as one of our best moments together. And I am grateful.

Stop and Smell the Roses

So about a month ago I was watching the Sprout channel with Jace and saw an interesting music video that caught my attention. It’s a video with two little boys, one representing a rabbit, who speeds through his day and does everything fast; and the other representing a turtle, who makes his way slowly through his day doing everything…you guessed it, slowly. When I saw the little boy running quickly from scene to scene, laughing and playing, getting somewhere fast, I immediately had the thought in my mind, “that’s me.” At that time I had no idea what the song was really about; I just somehow identified with that kid. Well, when the other little boy began his slow journey from scene to scene, he took time to really engage everything he came in contact with. That’s when I raised an eyebrow and squinted with interest, anxious to see where this little kids’ video was headed. By the end of the song I was smiling a revelatory grin, still identifying with the lightening-fast little boy, realizing I was just reminded of how much I will miss out on in life if I choose to speed by/through everything hurriedly trying to get to wherever it is I am trying to go.

This little video made me think about where I found myself at that very moment in life…quite still. The first two months of 2009 I was in the hospital preparing to give birth. Two weeks after that, I spent back and forth to the NICU, watching my baby boy fight his way to solid ground. Then the next five months I spent at home with him. So, the last eight months have been spent at a physical standstill, with my sole responsibility being to mother to my child. It doesn’t get much slower than that. However in my usual way I have spent quite a bit of time mentally planning all that I will do, in record time, to catch up with the life that has seemingly passed me by. But…as I took in the video, after the fact, I totally received the gentle reminder that it is this sort of haste that begets the unending cycle of continual striving, investing an infinite amount of labor that yields nothing less than unfulfilling results. It is the beginning of the long hard journey to, “there has to be more to life than this.” Do I really want to travel that road again in my life? Um, well, no.

So, in essence, I was reminded on that day to “stop and smell the roses” (a phrase I have always despised…now I’m certain that my distaste came from a lack of understanding). I sat in amazement that the elementary things in life still prove to be the most profound and the most meaningful. I also realized that part of the gift of Jace is just that, a reason to slow down. Not only that but a reason, and the means, to go back to the beginning of things and begin again. I get to see things for the first time along with Jace and the beauty of that is, this time I will linger a while. I will find my “moments” as I make it a priority to teach him how to find his. The first thing I did in line with this new thinking was to incorporate a daily walk outside with him in the evening time. After a couple of weeks of this, today was the first time I stopped to show him a moment. I stopped his stroller, pulled back the shade, leaned down and said, “Do you hear that, Jace? Those are crickets. Oh, and listen, that was a bird. God made those animals just so you could hear those sounds and be reminded that he created everything.” Do I really think he heard them to the point where he made note of them? No. Do I think he understood a word I was saying? No. But did I have my very own moment? Yes. And boy what a joy to be having that moment with him. I also got a feel for what it will be like to teach him about “moments.” After all, I won’t be able to authentically teach him that which I do not know for myself, now will I?

I’m excited to think about all I will learn this time around. I’m thankful for the opportunity to experience life from the beginning with all that I have learned along the way. This is my chance to live out that whole, if I knew then what I know now. Wow…so that really happens, eh? What an opportunity! I think this is going to be fun.

So, enjoy the video for, “Fast and Slow (The Rabbit and the Turtle)” by the Laura Berkner Band that I saw on the Sprout channel. And to all my fellow rabbits, stop and smell the roses for a change ;-)

A Dream Deferred...Not Anymore!

I will be playing the role of "Rena" in August Wilson's, Jitney at The Ensemble Theatre from March 26-April 24, 2011.

So, it was my goal to spend one year in "adjustment" mode, settling in as a new mommy. I usually somewhat overextend myself, much to my liking, keeping myself extremely busy, mentally & intellectually stimulated, and overly stressed. My roster usually includes my teaching, an artistic endeavor and some entrepreneurial undertaking. For example, last year this time I was teaching four classes (University of Houston Downtown and Houston Community College Stafford); co-producing the annual fundraiser for Texas Southern University, the TSU Honors (honoring 58-year veteran head coach of the debate team, Dr. Thomas Freeman and award-winning gospel vocalist and radio personality, Yolanda Adams); co-starring in a short film, I Pledge Allegiance (written and directed by Lionell Hilliard); and rehearsing for the role of "Ruby" in August Wilson's, Seven Guitars at The Ensemble Theatre. During all of that, I found out I was pregnant, quite unexpectedly and much to my dismay. Even now, I have absolutely no idea how I made it through that time. If there was ever a time in my life that I would not want to revisit, that is it. Miraculously God got me through it. Nonetheless, that was a workload which represented what my life was all about; a true reflection of how I moved about at any given moment.

Suffice it to say, there is no way I could function at even a fraction of that capacity now, having Jace as my sidekick. I have been typing on this post for about an hour and fifteen minutes. Jace has awakened every 10-12 minutes, sometimes for feeding and others just to be rocked back to sleep. Seemingly he is having a difficult night, yet this is a typical night in the life of Jace's mom. With this being my reality, it would be practically impossible to take on any responsibilities that require consistent and concentrated focus for periods of time, with people depending on me. So for right now, the only things on my agenda for the remainder of the year are my classes (two for now at the University of Houston Downtown) and co-producing the TSU Honors 2011. Although the "Honors" is not until April 2011, we have already begun planning and putting feet to the event, which is so dynamic it will take all of the eight months ahead to plan.

I knew I wanted the role in Jitney although I knew it would be a stretch, not knowing how I will manage with Jace, as I go through the four weeks of six-day-a-week rehearsals, followed by four weeks of performing six-shows-a-week. But that did not change the fact that I wanted that role. So, I auditioned. And, I got it. I will just have to work out the new-mommy-management on the back end. For now, I am excited that a very important piece of my life has made its way back into my reality. Acting is my passion and theatre fuels my spirit. To know that this role is waiting for me gives me something tremendously wonderful to look forward to. I am anxious to see how all that I have been through over the last year impacts my acting sensibilities. Naturally, having a child now, I feel more serious. I feel more committed. I feel more present. Those are things I know will serve me as an actress. So we will see what lies ahead for "Rena."

It is said that art imitates life. Interestingly, the last two roles I played were ones where I was pregnant (I Pledge Allegiance and Seven Guitars) and I happened to be pregnant in real life (that means that Jace has already made appearances on both stage and film ;-). In the role in Jitney I play a mother of a two-year-old trying to stabilize her young family as she navigates motherhood along with her future goals. How ironic. Well, not really...just art imitating life again.

Thank you, God, for not forgetting how important this part of my life is to me. This is truly a gift.

Today's "Mommy-Noteable Moment" - It's like all of a sudden Jace has become overly curious, about everything. It is intriguing to watch how intent he is when observing things for the very first time. These are things I have seen consistently for many years, so they are commonplace to say the least. As I look intently at him, as he is looking intently at whatever is capturing his attention at the moment, I find myself trying to see "it" for the very first time along with him. There is something intoxicating about drawing myself to the present to really "see" what is around me. I would not be doing that if it were not for him. So, for that I am thankful.

The Crossroad

Don't you just love those crossroads we come to in life that we don't even recognize as a crossroad? I don't know if you've ever arrived at one of those, but I have a time or two. It's the place where you're excited about something, busy lining things up or probing options...things can look good, or great even, and then comes a moment (in all the "greatness") where you realize a decision has to be made. What was once good and exciting has now become slightly heavy, burdensome.

Shortly following my pregnancy diagnosis of vasa previa last October, I was put on bed rest. Very soon after that I was hospitalized, where I stayed for two months until my son was born (prematurely). Since that time, five months ago, I have been at home with him full time. That means that the last eight months of my life have belonged to some thing and some one other than myself. First I was engrossed in the details of what it meant to have vasa previa, wondering if my son and I would survive. Then once that was behind us, I was engrossed with visits to the NICU, wondering how my son would progress and when he would come home. Once that was behind me, I was engrossed in learning to be a new mommy to a preemie. Following that I was engrossed in postpartum despression. In all of that, I have been engrossed in "mommyhood" and all that it entails. Nowhere in all of that have I had a chance to be engrossed in me, or anything having to do with me (unless you count therapy visits for the post partum depression).

I decided to return to work in August, and being that I am a college professor, that means in two weeks school will be starting. I have done nothing to prepare to this point. The reality of standing in a classroom of college students with eyes following my every step, pens moving quickly across notepads, fingers clicking away at keys on laptops and pda's and ears hinging on my every word, has been nothing short of a faint image in the recesses of my mind. Well, that's all about to change. I am about to have to crawl out of this cave I've been in for all these months and kick it into high gear, all at once. That's a little scary. My body is still so out of sorts from the hospital stay. My weight is down significantly. My mind has not focused on work that intently in months. The bulk of my conversation has been with a newborn/infant. My hair gets combed sporadically. I haven't worn work clothes in eons. All that said, I am so out of the swing of things!

Teaching adjunct, your classes are not guaranteed once you remove yourself from the system. As such, I have had to wait to see what classes I would wind up with and at what school(s). I usually do not teach more than four classes per semester, as that is about all I can take on, with my other artistic and entrepreneurial projects. So far, though, I only have two classes finalized (both will be on Mondays and Wednesdays). It is not unusual to not know what you will be teaching at this point, because adjuncts usually get brought in at the last minute (but once you're in, you're in). There have been several points where I have gotten antsy because I have wanted everything to fall into place immediately, giving me some sense of what I would be looking at once August 23rd rolled around. I have already begun working on a major producing project, on which I will labor over the next eight months, and I have one acting project lined up for the spring. All that is missing are my last two classes.

All of a sudden, when I awoke this morning, I knew something was looming. I felt something on my mind, although I hadn't yet checked in with myself to see what that was. When I stopped long enough to observe my thoughts, I found myself at a crossroad. Do I really want to take on two more classes, filling up my schedule, or do I want to keep three days a week open so that I can be a full-time mom on those days? Wow!! Where did that come from?! I already had my Blackberry on stand-by, silently chanting, "World, here I come!!!" Well, I might be coming, but it looks like I won't be coming as quickly as I had planned. I came to an important and surprising realization. I will not take on any more classes. I will teach two days a week and keep Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays as "Mommy Days." I actually want to be home with my Jace. I find that quite interesting. I never would have thought that would be something I desire, but as it turns out, it is. Have you ever come to a decision to find that the conclusion showed you something about yourself you did not know? Well that's what today was for me.

Forgoing those two classes would mean a sacrifice in income. What the heck, it's not like the last eight months of not working have not been a tremendous financial sacrifice! But the difference is, this time I am choosing the sacrifice; whereas until now God has imposed the sacrifice. I don't know that I can articulate how much this is an awakening for me...about me. It makes me smile and I feel proud to find that this would be my choice. I believe only someone who did not want to be a mother (but found herself as a mother anyway) or someone who knows me very, very well could understand how profound this is.

After that monumental revelation I thought, now what will I do if my two other classes come skipping down the way? Will I say "no," or will I believe that God is in alignment with my desire to get myself back on my financial feet right now? Well, I don't know. I suppose I will have to pray about that, if and when the time comes. It would not surprise me if God allows the opportunities to come now, because I have already gotten to see something about myself that is new and good. Maybe that is what He wanted. I guess we'll see. And at that time I will know just what to do; because even if I say "yes," it changes my perspective on how my time will be allocated. The luxury of teaching college is that a work day can be four hours. What I know now, is that any time I have, whether working or not, will be spent being a mom to my son...filled with activities and quality time that will change both of our lives.

So, it looks like the crossroad was less about work, and more about ME. It was my own personal crossroad of who I am, now, after all I've been through over the last 12 months. There is so much newness in my life now, and it looks like I may be just as new myself. Well...I must say, I like what I see. Thank you, God.

Today's "mommy note-able" - Twice today Jace was with my mother. As I approached them, and he looked into my eyes, he smiled, laughed and flailed around with sheer and utter excitement. It was as if he couldn't contain all that he felt inside his little body. I don't think there can be any other time in life where someone can be that purely excited to see me, just because. That sight was truly priceless and even as it was happening, I knew, without a doubt, it was a gift from God.

{credit for tree photo} {credit for gift photo}

My New Life as a "Non-Chef!"

One of the things I absolutely LOVE to do is cook. I really believe that in another life I was a chef, and I’m spending quite a bit of time in this life working out my chef-life karma, LOL. No, but seriously, I spend a lot of time cooking, exploring recipes, eating, thinking about food. Yes, thinking about food. Did I mention that I love to think about food?

Because this life with Jace has been so demanding and all-consuming, I have had to be creative in making time to get in the kitchen. One thing I don’t care for is how it always feels like I’m rushing. Since he hardly sleeps and I never know when he might need me, I can get most things done in 5 minutes or less. Okay, that’s exaggerating a little but you get the point. So when it comes to cooking, I now have to find the recipes that can fit the in-between. Not only that, the options for what I can eat are now slim and none!

Jace has had some allergic reactions so, his doctor has removed some things from my diet; and to help as much as I could, I removed some things based on my research. The valve in Jace’s tummy (that holds his food down once it is swallowed) was underdeveloped at birth, and has since taken months to develop properly. That was the cause for 24-hour spitting up. He was also suffering BADLY from gas and acid reflux. He also had an allergic reaction that affected his skin. So, first, I have been taken off of dairy for both his tummy and skin issues. I hear you saying, “That’s not so bad!” Oh, yes it is! You see it’s not just milk, cheese, sour cream; you know, the obvious. It’s milk protein which is in, say, just about everything! For those of you who have been told they have a dairy allergy, be careful because dairy can take on many different names. Click here to see a list for you to match against the ingredient lists on packages. Okay, so once she removed dairy, she then went on to remove beans and nuts (because of the skin issues). Kill me already…dairy, beans and nuts, three of my favorites!!

Then in my research I found lists of other foods that are common for causing gas in babies; things such as corn, broccoli, spicy foods, tomatoes, oh the list goes on…and on…and on. You want to see that too? Click here. But shellfish…oh no, not shrimp too!!!!? Umm, yes, shrimp too. In fact, all shellfish. I think you get it, right? It’s actually pretty ludicrous. I mean really, what can I eat? Dog food? Welcome to my new life as a "NON-chef!"

It seems that even though I am breast feeding, I am down to little or nothing to eat (that doesn’t take tons of thought and extra effort). Where am I supposed to get my nourishment from? In all of this madness, I am down to 100 pounds (pre-pregnancy weight 112-115). Thankfully, breast feeding has been successful, but right-eating has not. I’m working on it, but because of all that I cannot eat, it takes so much effort to nail down a solid meal. I am going to do better though, because I need to get back to feeling healthy. I feel malnourished. Having done 2 months in the hospital prior to delivery (I’ll talk about the reasons for that in a later post), my body has some adjusting yet to do in order for me to feel like myself. This eating situation does not help…nor does the lack of exercise, which I am not yet able to do because, even at five months, Jace takes up so much time.

So in my efforts to find what I could eat, I found a great recipe for you to try. If you like salmon, this one’s for you. If you don’t like salmon, this recipe is for you. And it is accompanied by a scrumptious remoulade sauce that tops the dish off nicely. I hate mayonnaise, but this sauce is so well-balanced, you’ll never know mayonnaise was in there. So, bon appétit!

SALMON CROQUETTES with SPICY REMOULADE SAUCE (Gluten Free)

Photo and recipe courtesy of The Happy Tummy

Salmon Croquettes

2 6 oz packages boneless skinless salmon (you will find this near the canned tuna)

2 large eggs

1/2 cup chopped fresh spinach (this doesn’t add a ton of spinach flavor, but it adds great color and nutrition)

2 TBSP mayonnaise

1 TBSP mustard (have used regular and Dijon, use whatever you have.)

1/2 tsp garlic powder

1/2 tsp season salt

1/2 tsp black pepper

1 cup breadcrumbs (gluten free if necessary)

2 TBSP olive oil

Directions:

Place all ingredients except breadcrumbs into a bowl and combine well with a fork. Add 1/2 cup of the breadcrumbs and combine. Reserve the other 1/2 cup of breadcrumbs in a shallow bowl or pie plate.

Heat olive oil in large pan on medium heat.

Take handfuls of the salmon mixture and form into balls (probably about 1/3 cup). Roll gently in the reserved breadcrumbs and then pat slightly into a patty that is about an inch thick. Place these into the hot oil and sauté for about 3 minutes.

Flip and sauté another 3 minutes until golden brown.

Remove to a plate to cool slightly and cook remaining croquettes. Makes 8 croquettes.

Note: You can also do most of the prep work for this ahead of time. Make them up until the point of needing to cook them and store them on a plate covered in plastic wrap in the fridge until dinner time. Then all you have to do is heat the oil and cook.

Spicy Remoulade Sauce

1/3 cup mayo (light is fine)

1 TBSP Dijon mustard (I have used plain and spicy)

2 TBSP Ketchup

1 tsp garlic powder

1/2 tsp black pepper

1 1/2 TBSP hot sauce

Mix all ingredients together with a fork or whisk. Serve with Salmon Croquettes.