Roots Run Deep

I have started planning Jace's dedication ceremony. This affair is bringing about so many thoughts about things I've never had a reason to think about. Things like what it is important for me to publicly commit, in covenant with God, to giving my child. I've started asking myself what that day means to ME, although it is a day set aside for Jace to be given back to God. I believe the dedication is equally as important for me because it is the beginning of that "covenant" relationship, where I take vows of sorts, regarding what I understand my role in his life to be. This is just as important as a wedding in my eyes; except that I am "marrying" my son :-).I am sure I will be writing about my discoveries regarding this sacred day, over the course of my planning, because what I see now is that even in this I am unveiling parts of the "gift" that came in the form of a son.

Today I visited a possible venue; a chapel, and I envisioned Jace being lifted high in the air with his face toward heaven. I heard words of thanks and praise, of celebration and life, of love and commitment. I saw smiles and tears and beauty. I felt proud and honored and determined. I don't know if here is where the event will be held, but I'm certain the place is a chapel; because that is the only place I can get the image I saw in my mind's eye today. So I said goodbye to my desire for an outdoor ceremony, but with very good reason!

Tonight I initiated a conversation with my mom about my expectations as they relate to the elders and ancestors in our family. I'm clear that I want Jace to know the stories that make up the fabric of our family history. I not only want it to be engrained in him who's who; but I want him to know the spirit of each person recounted. I want us to begin recognizing when and how the spirits of those who have gone before us not only influence our lives, but when and how they continue to live on through us. For example, I have been the free spirit who will up-and-move thousands of miles, knowing no one, for the purpose of a dream. When I look around me in my family, I don't see that type of energy readily apparent. But tonight, as I shared my expectation with my mother, she began to tell the story of how, at the age of 9, my grandfather hopped the rear of a freight train with his brother and "hobo'd" from Louisiana to Texas to start a new life. They would ride all day and sleep in the woods at night, after which they would hop a new train the next morning, exploring all the cities with stops along the way. This was just one of his exploits, as there were others, but ultimately on this one they met my great-grandmother at a boarding house, and that was the groundwork laid for the beginning of our family.

Now I realize that when I moved to New York City to pursue my dream, not knowing a soul, it was my grandfather's spirit in me that rendered me fearless. I imagine he was looking down at me saying, "There you go Chauncy! (as his love language was to call me by any name other than my own) you can do it!" I believe he petitioned the angels in a way that only a free-spirit could, to protect and guide me. While I was there I used to pray to God to send the Arch Angel Michael to protect me...but tonight I believe there were times when God lovingly and kindly sent my Papa in Michael's place.

So with that said, one of the things I want us all to be committed to doing for Jace, as a family, is to give him the gift of stories. I want us to pay close attention to his spirit, in order to recognize who he is drawing from and whose spirit is influencing him. Then, where it is positive, I want us to nurture that. I want to be able to see my own spirit within him, and nurture the best of it. This gives life to the legacy of those gone and those still here.

Today's experience was the revelation that my son, while individually unique, is made up of those who paved the way for me, those I've loved and lost, and those who walk beside me now. He is also made up of me. That makes him pretty special because HE is how we all live on. And I want him to know when he is pulling usefulness from beyond himself so that he will make the best of every moment, never giving up, forging ahead to further the family's collective mission. This, I believe, will give him a holistic view of who he is. It will offer him confidence for why he is who he is. It will help him see that he carries the dreams of his forefathers on his back, along with him, wherever he goes. It will give his life deeper and richer meaning to know that his roots run deep.

I am excited about the dedication and cannot wait for the creative elements to unfold. I just know it will be one of the most important planning endeavors of my life.

Today's firsts: Jace's first time on a college campus. His first time in a chapel. His first time riding in evening rush-hour traffic.

Mommy highlight: Jace was such a pleasure to hang out with today. He made the day easy and fun. We did it with ease and when I returned home I felt as though we had shared something really special, that no one could ever know fully, except us.

The World Brand New

I've heard it said that babies are God's way of allowing us to experience the beauty of the world all over again, as if for the very first time. Jace isn't old enough to have seen big things yet like his first butterfly, an airplane, or those dreaded golden arches, but there have certainly been many firsts. There was his first smile on day 2; the day he wore his first "real" outfit in the NICU (the yellow onesie that was just perfect for his day in the isolette); his first bath; the list goes on. However what I'm getting to see now is that there are some firsts that you catch in glimpses...ones where you find yourself doing a double-take and asking "Wait, did I just see that?" or "Wait a minute!! Has he ever done that before!?" These are things like when I first heard him cough. I responded "Heyyyyy!!!! You just coughed!" (as if he knew it was his first cough. Heck, as if he knew what a cough was)! Or when he opened his hand on his own and grabbed my finger. I looked around as if to ask the person next to me, "did you see that?!" except, no one was there. It was only me, having a "very first" moment, all on my own. Or yesterday when I caught him scratching his arm. I mean, all of a sudden it made sense why I could never feel accurate in letting his doctor know if his rash itches or not...he didn't know how to scratch!! So how would I know?! I saw those little fingers just-a-moving, and I wondered if he was as amazed as I was that he had learned to do something new for himself. But he was looking all around as if he couldn't care less. He had the nerve to be totally coordinated as if he'd been scratching for years! So I let him have his "oh please, mom, I've been doing this all along" moment, while I had my "that's one less thing he needs me for" moment. Then I noticed, which startled me, all the scratch marks on his little ankle where the bulk of the rash sits. So guess what? YES, doc, it itches!!!

Today's treat was that, as I sat on the bed thoroughly engaged in a phone call, I felt something on my leg. I looked down and what I saw stopped me mid-sentence. Or should I say, what I felt? There were four little fingers with nails dug into my skin, scratching. I looked at him, and had not realized he was looking in my eyes all along when I was not paying him any attention, and there he sat with the biggest smile on his face. It was as if he was saying, "Yeah, you didn't know I could do this, did ya?" I looked at him as if to say, "Umm, well, no," and simply said, "thank you, Love Bug, for scratching mommy's leg."

What I realize today is that with each exciting revelation for him, that will be one less thing he will need me for. My, that's bitter-sweet. That means one day I will set out to meet a need of his, and I will hear in reply, "That's alright, I have it mom." Guess I better brace myself. But, then again, I suppose I have many many years before I have to feel sad about that one ;-)

A gift in a very strange package

There are many different opinions on whether women can have it all. I sit on the fence with this issue, thinking that the answer depends on what “all” means and who’s trying to have it. Perhaps it is better to realize that “all” is relative, and becomes what each woman needs it to be in her own life and circumstances. So, in that case, the answer would be yes, a woman can have it all; and more than that, she can have it all very well. This would never have become a conversation piece for me except that I am now a new mother, trying to find what “all” is for me, and whether I can have it.

For various reasons, I never wanted children. One of which is that I felt I could not have the life I want for myself and have children too. That life would be one with a full career that demanded endlessly of me; where I could put in mind-bending all-nighters to my heart’s content. Where I would come and go as I please. One where when I say I’ll be there at 3:34PM, I would be there with minutes to spare, as opposed to minutes late, without a spit up stain on my blouse. There would be only me to worry about, to attend to, to appease, to teach (and that’s if I wanted to learn). In short, having a baby was taboo for me, and I don’t know if I can even articulate all the reasons why. I know some women would say that I have a selfish point of view. That may be true, but it is mine, and it is honest…and it has worked for me very well, bringing me fulfillment on a number of fronts and allowing me to thrive in areas that have been important to me.

There are many wonderful women longing for babies but unable to have them; yet it is I, the one who welcomed life without one, that has received that gift. It seems unfair, I suppose, until you factor in that I am not the one who creates life. I am not the one scripted every one of our experiences in the book of life before a single day had passed. I am not the master weaver, who knows our deepest heart's desires even if we, ourselves, are not aware of them. I am not GOD. It is HE that decided long ago, before I was born, that I was to be a mother of a child who is my very own flesh and blood. Now, how God's blueprint for my life and MY blueprint for my life could be so different, I will never know. But I am wise enough to say, even now, that His vision for my life paints me as far "bigger" and "badder" than I ever thought possible. If I'm honest, I didn't think motherhood was something I was “_____” enough to undertake. You name it, I didn't think I was strong enough, patient enough, feminine enough, wise enough, great enough, the list goes on. And I may still not be those things "enough," but He obviously sees me as "something" enough more than I do! That's quite humbling. It's like a compliment coming from the highest source...like Meryl Streep telling someone they're a good actor, only infinitely bigger. So I realize that my new life charge is to pray for an expanded vision of myself; because after all, there has been another part of me made manifest in the life of a now 15-pounder named Jace. He was given to me by God, for reasons I do not yet know. God says, “Children are God's gifts, a heritage, and a reward” (Matthew 127:3). The meaning of this scripture is my new quest in life. I must learn the ways in which this most unexpected and initially devastating life interruption is, in actuality, a gift.

Prior to March 2nd, the gifts in my life looked different; rewards took on a different form. Now I have something God, himself, calls a gift. I mean really, that says to me it's not up for discussion or debate, it just IS, and I’ve got to get with the program, or miss out on a really full and blessed life. And because of that, I want to not only find what this gift is all about, but I want that gift to fill me up inside.

This blog is extremely simple yet terribly complicated. It’s my journey to figuring out what it means for me to "have it all," and then finding a way to do just that. I'm sure there will be some of everything here, since it will be comprised of the things that make my life rich. Except now, it will be filled with the things that make "our" life together rich, jace and me. Has a ring to it doesn’t it? So although my entries may seem random, they will make up my life as it is experienced, thoughts as they come, events as they happen…so that I, myself, can witness my evolution into motherhood. If you’re joining me, I guess we will see what we find…together.

Welcome.