Being a new mommy one of the hardest things for me to do is EAT. This is a real challenge because ordinarily I absolutely LOVE food. Since having Jace I have struggled with my diet because I am breastfeeding and he apparently has some food allergies, meaning it is MY diet that takes the hit. Until we know for sure what's on his no-eat list, mommy must sacrifice. My pre-pregnancy weight was 115 pounds. My post-pregnancy weight is 101 (after having gained 5 pounds). First, I have been under a tremendous amount of stress; and second, Jace is just now getting to where he will give me just a few minutes to eat (hence the weight gain - thanks Jace!). So with that, I NEED TO EAT AS MUCH AS I CAN.
Jace is also NON-STOP. For example, today he took one nap for 30 minutes and another for 10 minutes...this is since he woke up this morning...and he is STILL going strong, fighting his sleep, and I am playing trade-off with my mother for both our sanity's sake...talk about exhausting! So, one of the things I am working really hard on is finding ways to squeeze meals into the seemingly impossible schedule he keeps. This means having as much as I can prepared ahead of time; things I can put together in a matter of minutes or snacks to grab and go. One of the quick energy snacks I have fallen in love with are these homemade granola bars. I love granola bars and never had I considered making my own. But I did, and I can honestly say I will never turn back to any store-bought granola bars, ever.
Below is the recipe I found online at www.allrecipes.com. It is fabulous! I use it as a foundational recipe to which I add things like flax seed, dried papaya & mango, cranberry, raisins, varying nuts, coconut, chocolate chips, my list goes on. Periodically I make some substitutions to see just how healthy I can get with it (whole wheat flour instead of white, a little less sugar, etc.). The bars come out thick, while nice and chewy. I love being able to reach for something quick, healthy and tasty. And I love the idea of making things at home that I used to rely solely on the grocer to provide. So, here's the recipe. If you test it out, let me know what you think; and let me know if you come up with any interesting substitutions I can try. I love experimenting. Bon apetit!
Playgroup Granola Bars
You will need:
* 2 cups rolled oats
* 3/4 cup packed brown sugar
* 1/2 cup wheat germ
* 3/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
* 1 cup all-purpose flour
* 3/4 cup raisins (optional)
* 3/4 teaspoon salt
* 1/2 cup honey
* 1 egg, beaten
* 1/2 cup vegetable oil
* 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
To create your granola bars:
1. Pre-heat the oven to 350 degrees.
2. Spray your baking pan/dish with a pan spray. The original recipe calls for a 9x13 inch baking pan. You can customize this recipe by creating fun shaped granola bars with specialty pans. For instance, you can make granola shaped like cupcakes or bake it in a character pan for fun.
3. Mix oats, brown sugar, wheat germ, cinnamon, flour, salt, and raisins . At this time you can add additional items for personal taste. Common granola bars items include: nuts, coconut, chocolate chips for a treat, peanut butter for protein, and even dried fruit will make fun items for variety.
4. Make a well in the center, and pour in the honey, egg, oil and vanilla.
5. Pack the granola mixture into the pan and distribute the mixture evenly in the pan or add to cupcake liners if you prefer.
6. Bake for 30 to 35 minutes. Remove the bars when they begin to turn golden at the edges. Cool for 5 minutes, then cut into bars while still warm. Do not allow the bars to cool completely before cutting, or they will be too hard to cut.
People have always thought I was strange because I love going to the doctor. Not for the medicinal aspect of it, but for that feeling I get when I get a diagnosis that explains something I have not been able to figure out about what’s going on with my body; or after hearing, “you’re going to be just fine” if I’ve gone in for an ailment, or simply receiving a nice clean bill of health. Ahhhhhh. I always walk out of the doctor’s office feeling as if I’ve been given a new lease on life. There’s usually a bit more pep in my step, optimism in my spirit, confidence in my soul. Weird, I know, but it’s true.
Today was my first well-woman exam since having Jace in March. There was to be nothing out of the ordinary about this visit. I called my OB/GYN’s office and set up an appointment, plugged it in the calendar on my Blackberry and called it a day. Now it was one hour before time for me to make the journey to my doctor’s office. This was to be the typical gynecology appointment, you know, complete with the plush bed, silk gown that opens in the front, fuzzy slippers to keep your toes warm as you place your feet in the stirrups, the twice-warmed and flexible speculum; oh and the complimentary cup of tea with a homemade crumpet to relax you during this long-awaited spa day. Yeah right! Okay, so that’s not quite what it’s like, but if you’re a woman you know I’m only slightly off ;-)
So I looked at the clock and realized time had gotten away from me, as I stood at the kitchen counter chopping and storing fruit to make my daily smoothie preparation easier. I hurriedly finished the fruit job, rushed to grab everything I needed to leave the house, kissed Jace goodbye, jumped in the car, and hit the road, all with very little time to think. As I approached the doctor’s office I felt my entire body tense up in a way I had never felt before…at least I thought. My heart started racing, and I felt this light tingle in what seemed to be every nerve in my body, really. I was caught off-guard by this random occurrence. This was a full-blown panic attack. I mean why would I be having a panic attack going to the gynecologist? Without delay, I immediately let my defenses down and no sooner than I did, it came right to me. I was instantaneously reminded of the weekly exams while in the hospital, pregnant with Jace.
On October 2009 I was diagnosed with vasa previa. “Vasa previa is a rarely (1:2500) reported condition in which fetal blood vessel(s) from the placenta or umbilical cord crosses the entrance to the birth canal, beneath the baby. The condition has a high fetal mortality rate of 50-95% (www.ivpf.org).” In laymen’s terms, there was a blood vessel along Jace’s umbilical cord, carrying his blood; that should have been encased inside the cord, instead it was totally exposed. This meant that any puncture or excessive amount of pressure could have caused the exposed vessel to rupture and interrupt the flow of blood from me to Jace. If this were to happen, it would have taken only approximately three minutes for him to bleed to death.
“When vasa previa is diagnosed, elective delivery by cesarean before labor begins can save the baby's life (www.ivpf.org). So…I was admitted to the hospital at 28 weeks due to pre-term labor. With the stakes being so high in the event of a rupture, my doctor demanded that I be admitted to the hospital immediately (after I had to advocate, but that’s a whole other entry), so that I could be under 24-hour watch and close to the ER in the event the unfortunate happened. I often described it as having a time bomb inside my body, and that in and of itself is a form of torture. I was in the hospital just under seven weeks, on complete bed rest with restroom privileges only. This was to keep me from over-exerting myself in any way that could cause undue pressure on the vessel. It did not help that the entire time Jace was head-down, with his head sitting “right on top of the vessel.” There were days my doctor stressed over whether we should deliver because it seemed he could cause his own demise. There was the constant desire to keep him in the oven as long as possible, but at the same time trying to make sure he came out alive.
Every Monday morning between 6-7AM I had a vaginal exam to determine how things were progressing with my cervix and to monitor Jace’s positioning on the vessel (it was because of that I had two exams per week for about a month). Because of the vessel, no speculum could be used, but the transvaginal ultrasound with color Doppler was used along with the good old finger exam. There are no words to describe the utter fear that would rush through me every time I had to have an exam. I was petrified each and every time that the blood vessel would rupture in our efforts to be proactive. I would tense up so tightly that the exams were extremely painful and I would, within seconds, go from talking and laughing with the doctor and ultrasound tech to both my eyes filling with tears, simply because I was scared. I have never known fear like that. I had never been in a real life/death situation; and this one played out second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, day after day, month after month…with fear in tow. I am a Christian, with a very personal relationship with God…so I did all that any bible thumper would tell me to do…cast my cares on him, not to worry, be anxious for nothing, etc. But I also know that our expectations are often different from the plan of the Divine. I realized that the outcome could go either way. It all depended on what was written in the book of life for me before my life ever began. There was no way I could know which experience God would so ordain for me; to lose the baby he created inside of me, or to leave the hospital with my son in my arms. So I did not fear the vessel as much as I feared not knowing God’s plan. Thankfully, in the end, Jace was born safe and sound and eventually I did walk out of those sliding doors with him at my side.
So, fast forward to today…the panic attack…the sense memory manifesting in my body. It was the fear of that entire ordeal revisiting me. It may sound strange, but I felt as if that vessel was sitting right where it was in March, ready to explode. My body assumed the position it had held for so many weeks; one of tension and anxiety, as I prepared to experience another “exam” today. I thought about being a no-show, but I needed to get the new prescription for my prenatal vitamins since I am still breastfeeding. I had no choice. The dread and panic stayed with me the entire time. Throughout the entire exam my body felt the same as it did lying on that bed in the hospital all those times we had to do our weekly “check in.” Interestingly, even as I type, I feel as though it is still there...lurking.
It was quite a revelation to see how trauma really works. When you are in a crisis situation, you do what you have to do to survive it. While you focus on the matter at hand at times, you don’t focus on what it is actually doing to you in your inner being. In fact, I don’t think that’s something we can know because we have not yet completed the experience, nor have we had time to assimilate to a different experience afterward to be able to begin putting it in context. Experiences shape us; it’s just what they do. I don’t believe any experience is exempt. Every experience has some effect, whether we ever know that effect or not. Once a trauma has passed, we usually try to “get over it.” At least that’s what most people tell us to do. And so we get over it. But one way to see what that experience has done to us in the innermost crevices of our being is to come face to face with a similar experience again. Sense memory kicks in and if we are able to move into a position of “participant observer” we can begin objectively assessing the damage. That’s what happened to me today. Since having Jace I rarely speak of my experience in the hospital. In many ways it’s like it never happened. I mean life kicked in, I had a new baby, a new life, and all of my attention was demanded in each and every day, so I could not appropriate thoughts to the past in any significant way. But today was another story. It was but a moment in time; but it was a moment monumental enough for me to see the state of my inside self. My heart has raced at times I have typed this post. The panic came back; it went; it came back again, because no matter how much "getting over it" I do, that experience affected me in ways yet to be seen or known.
I witnessed enough today to know that the trauma of that experience was/is real. And God is gracious enough to be holding it at bay so that I can attend to the beautiful son he blessed me with, and so that my healing can take place slowly and surely. What I believe God did today was allow me to see the work He is doing on my behalf. He is literally holding back panic and anxiety on a daily basis, so that I can be free. It’s nothing less than His love for Jace and me. Today was a reminder that God wants the best for us, and that He is always on our side working to give us just that. It took my mind to the scripture "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness (2 Corinthian 12:9).” Today was certainly a weak moment, yet His power was perfectly sweet and gentle and strong. I got through the appointment. I got what I needed for Jace. And I got a revelation that will last me a lifetime. How’s that for staring trauma in the face?
Today’s Mommy-Noteable Moment: I awakened this morning with Jace’s legs intertwined in mine. After untangling us, I attempted to roll over to grab my cell phone in order to check the time. I couldn’t budge. I turned on the light so that I could see what was going on. That's when I noticed that one of his arms was under my top and the other was lying on top of part of it. I just stared at us for a moment and smiled. I thought to myself, “you won’t be this small always; you won’t want to be this close to me always; and this exact moment will never happen again.” It was sacred. And I am thankful that on this day, you and I were tangled.
Sunday 9/12/2010 started out as a typical hot and smoldering September day in Houston. It later turned into an extremely dark, cloudy, thunderous, lightening-filled, storm-threatening evening…the kind of day I absolutely LOVE. It was time for Jace and my evening walk, but surely I wasn't going to take him out in weather like this? Oh, but how could I not? It was the kind of weather that made me tingle inside. It was gloomy, clouds were rolling in and out, the wind was blowing, leaves rustling. A perfect day. And yes, I most certainly was going to take Jace out in this weather, so he could share one of my moments with me.
We slowly strolled up and down the street, feeling the wind, listening to the thunder, being startled by the lightening. All of a sudden, I looked up and saw the image seen in the picture above. It was a sky full of dark gray clouds, with just a small portion of snow white clouds peeping out from behind them. That’s not all…the sun cast an ever-so-bright glare onto the white cloud, illuminating it against the midnight sky. It was unbelievable. It looked unreal, like something from an issue of Life magazine. Now this was some of God’s most amazing artistry. All I could say was, “Jace, look!” as I stared in amazement.
The first thought that came to mind after I took in the beauty of the imagery was, "that's life, sitting right in the sky at this very moment." It went from being a beautiful sunny day, to one of the darkest and scariest stormy days we’ve seen this season…all in a matter of moments. But what was so profound about the image in the sky, almost as if God allowed it to happen in slow motion so we could “get it,” was that the sun and the beautiful full clouds never left. They were always there. They were just covered up by the other darker, more transient clouds. And just because those clouds rolled in, with all their thunder and lightening to boot, nothing could erase what was behind them, sheer beauty. What’s more, I got to see that the “beauty” was far more stable and long lasting than the other. It just was. It sat there, in its majesty, never moving.; yet seemingly being overtaken by something far less attractive in comparison. But once the storm subsided, I looked up, and there they were…the sun and the puffy white clouds, as if to say, "Oh no, we're not going anywhere."
This was a powerful lesson. It was a moment in time where God used art to teach me, through illustration, what it meant to have my beautiful life overtaken by storms. He showed me that the beauty was still there; that it had never left. He told me that the threat and sound of the storm were enough to make me run for cover, but that the most stable thing, in spite of it all, is really the beauty. Sometimes it fills the sky, and other times it only peeps through, but is it always…always…there. I just have to search for it.
This let me know that I am on the right track as I search for the beauty in this gift called Jace. But it now expands to all of my life. Storms come on all fronts, as they certainly have in my life in the recent months. But this artwork was God’s way of nudging me to say, “Daughter, I believe there is enough beauty peeping through in your life now where you can see it…take a look.” And as the day and night progressed, I did just that. Quietly and even subconsciously, I searched, and I found beauty. Things that were unsightly, just one day prior, had transformed and had become beautiful. Not all things, but some…enough for me to see that there really was something peeping through, with just a bit of a sunshine glow. Powerful.
THEN I saw a new sky (heaven) and a new earth, for the former sky and the former earth had passed away (vanished). And I saw the holy city, the new Jerusalem, descending out of heaven from God, all arrayed like a bride beautified and adorned for her husband. Then I heard a mighty voice from the throne and I perceived its distinct words, saying, See! The abode of God is with men, and He will live (encamp, tent) among them; and they shall be His people, and God shall personally be with them and be their God. God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and death shall be no more, neither shall there be anguish (sorrow and mourning) nor grief nor pain any more, for the old conditions and the former order of things have passed away. And He Who is seated on the throne said, See! I make all things new. Also He said, Record this, for these sayings are faithful (accurate, incorruptible, and trustworthy) and true (genuine) [Revelations 21:1-5, Amp].
So, I am recording what I saw, because it is faithful and true…He who is seated on the throne will make ALL things new. And boy, am I glad for that!
Photo courtesy of Listfied.com
Today’s “Mommy-Notable Moment" – sharing the fullness of a brewing storm with Jace. Feeling the elements and observing the change in the earth as we prepared for a shift in nature. Having this most welcomed and beloved sensory experience with Jace for the first time goes down as one of our best moments together. And I am grateful.
So about a month ago I was watching the Sprout channel with Jace and saw an interesting music video that caught my attention. It’s a video with two little boys, one representing a rabbit, who speeds through his day and does everything fast; and the other representing a turtle, who makes his way slowly through his day doing everything…you guessed it, slowly. When I saw the little boy running quickly from scene to scene, laughing and playing, getting somewhere fast, I immediately had the thought in my mind, “that’s me.” At that time I had no idea what the song was really about; I just somehow identified with that kid. Well, when the other little boy began his slow journey from scene to scene, he took time to really engage everything he came in contact with. That’s when I raised an eyebrow and squinted with interest, anxious to see where this little kids’ video was headed. By the end of the song I was smiling a revelatory grin, still identifying with the lightening-fast little boy, realizing I was just reminded of how much I will miss out on in life if I choose to speed by/through everything hurriedly trying to get to wherever it is I am trying to go.
This little video made me think about where I found myself at that very moment in life…quite still. The first two months of 2009 I was in the hospital preparing to give birth. Two weeks after that, I spent back and forth to the NICU, watching my baby boy fight his way to solid ground. Then the next five months I spent at home with him. So, the last eight months have been spent at a physical standstill, with my sole responsibility being to mother to my child. It doesn’t get much slower than that. However in my usual way I have spent quite a bit of time mentally planning all that I will do, in record time, to catch up with the life that has seemingly passed me by. But…as I took in the video, after the fact, I totally received the gentle reminder that it is this sort of haste that begets the unending cycle of continual striving, investing an infinite amount of labor that yields nothing less than unfulfilling results. It is the beginning of the long hard journey to, “there has to be more to life than this.” Do I really want to travel that road again in my life? Um, well, no.
So, in essence, I was reminded on that day to “stop and smell the roses” (a phrase I have always despised…now I’m certain that my distaste came from a lack of understanding). I sat in amazement that the elementary things in life still prove to be the most profound and the most meaningful. I also realized that part of the gift of Jace is just that, a reason to slow down. Not only that but a reason, and the means, to go back to the beginning of things and begin again. I get to see things for the first time along with Jace and the beauty of that is, this time I will linger a while. I will find my “moments” as I make it a priority to teach him how to find his. The first thing I did in line with this new thinking was to incorporate a daily walk outside with him in the evening time. After a couple of weeks of this, today was the first time I stopped to show him a moment. I stopped his stroller, pulled back the shade, leaned down and said, “Do you hear that, Jace? Those are crickets. Oh, and listen, that was a bird. God made those animals just so you could hear those sounds and be reminded that he created everything.” Do I really think he heard them to the point where he made note of them? No. Do I think he understood a word I was saying? No. But did I have my very own moment? Yes. And boy what a joy to be having that moment with him. I also got a feel for what it will be like to teach him about “moments.” After all, I won’t be able to authentically teach him that which I do not know for myself, now will I?
I’m excited to think about all I will learn this time around. I’m thankful for the opportunity to experience life from the beginning with all that I have learned along the way. This is my chance to live out that whole, if I knew then what I know now. Wow…so that really happens, eh? What an opportunity! I think this is going to be fun.
So, enjoy the video for, “Fast and Slow (The Rabbit and the Turtle)” by the Laura Berkner Band that I saw on the Sprout channel. And to all my fellow rabbits, stop and smell the roses for a change ;-)
